Why We Make Ourselves Feel Bad to Feel Better

A couple of months ago, I had the privilege of sitting down one evening to read a collection of pretty amazing feedback I had received following a workshop I facilitated. As I scrolled through the comments and began to absorb the glowing and powerful sentiments that were expressed by the participants, I was simultaneously humbled, honoured and over-the-moon elated.

For a glorious ten minutes, I was smiling from ear-to-ear, completely lit up and filled with an immense satisfaction knowing that I had been of service to others. A deep, contented sigh left my lungs and I was totally overwhelmed with gratitude.

Pretty incredible stuff, right?

And then something shifted. I began to feel uncomfortable and a subtle burning sensation started to rise up in the back of my throat. I felt anxious, unsorted and unnerved all at the same time. 

So in a swift attempt to distract myself from this unpleasantness, I propelled myself into productivity mode and promptly pulled up a rejection letter from my inbox that I’d received in response to a proposal I’d recently submitted. In all honesty, I really hadn’t given it a second thought until that moment because it wasn’t an arrangement that I was particularly keen on entering into in the first place. I actually had to perform an advanced search in my trash to locate it.

I proceeded to read the letter a couple of times through. Then I went back and poured over the original proposal for more than an hour trying to pinpoint what went wrong. After some time, I successfully found a typo, berated myself for my carelessness and then I went to bed where I tossed and turned for a few hours before drifting off into a fitful sleep.

But, I somehow felt much, much better. And I had accomplished this by making myself feel bad.

Um, how messed up is that? And, what actually happened here?

Well, it turns out that I had bumped into a big, bad upper limit problem. 

What’s an upper limit problem?

In his book, The Big Leap, Gay Hendricks explains that each one of us has an internal thermostat setting that determines how much love, success, health, wealth and creativity we will permit ourselves to enjoy. When we exceed our personal temperature setting, we’ll often do something (usually unconsciously) to interrupt or impair this enjoyment or achievement to get us back to that familiar zone where we feel most secure.

While this zone varies widely for everyone, many people actually have a limited tolerance for feeling good. By manufacturing bad thoughts or circumstances, we can quickly downgrade to our comfort set point.

Hendricks calls this the “Upper Limit Problem,” the universal human tendency to self-sabotage when we have exceeded this artificial barrier we place on ourselves. Upper limit problems are the culprits that serve to keep us playing small and prevent us from making the contributions we are meant to make in the world; they are essentially unconscious and sneaky distractions that keep us from doing our most important work.

Just as our thermostats settings vary, so too do the ways that we undercut ourselves.    

For example, remember when you initiated a completely unnecessary argument with your significant other on Sunday evening following a fun, uneventful and restful weekend?  

Probably an upper limit problem.

How about that time you got really sick right before giving an important presentation or immediately following a monumental achievement?

Also likely an upper limit problem.  (Never underestimate the masterful hold that the subconscious mind has over our physical wellness!)

Have you ever read the stories of lottery winners going bankrupt within a very short time of their windfall?

Definitely an upper limit problem.  

And it explains why instead of popping some champagne and celebrating the knowledge that my work had impacted people in some very meaningful ways, I actively went out of my way to diffuse my joy, undermine my accomplishment and feed my ravenous inner critic with a whopping scoop of not good enough.

In essence, I made myself feel bad to feel better; I’d set about hurting my own feelings in order to restore this bogus state of personal equilibrium that I’ve somehow established. All of that love and encouragement from those genuine and generous women was simply more than my internal thermostat could handle in that moment.

Of course I didn’t cognitively recognize that this is what was happening at the time, but I certainly knew it as soon as I woke up the next morning. And given that I’ve read The Big Leap more than a handful of times and I regularly teach on the concept, I felt more than a little embarrassed that I’d let some weird inadequacy complex hinder my happiness, while also managing to quietly dishonour the beautiful intentions of the warm thoughts that were so graciously offered.

The many ways we self-sabotage

Self-sabotage comes in all shapes, styles and sizes. Outside of consuming gallons of ice cream and/or wine, it turns out that there are a number of other insidious ways that we compromise our health, happiness and success on a regular basis. Among the most common upper limit behaviours:

Worrying: Perpetually constructing worse case scenarios and making up irrational stories in our heads.

Deflecting: Brushing off compliments or deliberately interfering with positive energy flows.

Blame and criticism: On the one hand, not taking responsibility for our actions and re-directing fault outside of ourselves. On the other, personal perfectionist tendencies and beating ourselves up over disappointments or mistakes.

Arguments: Starting a fight is a fast and sure way to make yourself unhappy in a hurry.  

Getting sick: In the book, Hendricks points to both migraine headaches and laryngitis as upper limit problems that can be physically manifested. 

Not keeping agreements: Breaking promises we’ve made to ourselves and others.

How to overcome your upper limits

Make a hand-written list of your most common tendencies towards self-sabotage. This simple act of putting pen to paper will significantly heighten your sensitivity to defeating thoughts, along with any destructive actions and patterns, that show up for you on a regular basis.

Once these ideas are engraved on your subconscious radar, you’ll find that you'll organically start implementing minor adjustments to your thoughts and behaviours (often in spite of yourself!) that will have a major impact in the long run.

Knowing that we all live with upper limits is really half the battle in learning how to navigate and bust through them. And, the fringe benefit of this knowledge is often the enhanced capacity to recognize these behaviours in others, empowering you to respond with more compassion and understanding across your personal and professional relationships.  

Unfortunately, while all of this awareness is a beautifully powerful thing, it'll never lend itself to immunity when it comes to self-sabotage; there’s no such thing as a one-time upper-limit clean sweep. Resetting your thermometer is entirely possible, but it's an ongoing maintenance job that lasts a lifetime. 

Truth be told, I almost upper-limited myself right out of sharing this post. 

Curious about other strategies for dealing with upper limit problems? Check out Rise by Design in Saskatoon this fall.  

*Photo Credit Aaron Burden. 

Are You Undermining Yourself with Your Speech Habits?

I recently came across a short but brilliant video that was released this past summer by Pantene (yes, the hair product company) as part of their Shine Strong campaign. If you haven’t seen it, “Sorry - Not Sorry” is a powerful one minute montage that pointedly showcases how often women needlessly, yet continually, apologize in everyday situations. It’s really an interesting and worthwhile watch! 

As I played the video a few times through, I became more and more intrigued and began to consider whether or not there are other ways that we unwittingly employ language as a means to soften our communication, mitigate opportunities for conflict and attempt to make ourselves more “likeable.”

Over the next few days, I sought out some additional literature on the subject, while also immersing myself in a mini qualitative research project. I set myself on high alert with very curious ears as I interacted with female friends, clients, and colleagues.

So, What Are We Saying?   

It just so happens that outside of “sorry,” there are countless other verbal tactics we use to try to ensure our thoughts and opinions land a little more gently and inoffensively. These speaking patterns tend to be slight and would generally go unnoticed by most (although after reading this, you’re sure to notice them a whole lot more).  

In her ceiling-busting new book, Playing Big, leadership expert Tara Mohr takes a deep dive into this very topic and neatly classifies undermining speech habits into easily digestible categories. While some of these are summarized below, I highly recommend reading Tara’s insightful book for more fulsome explanations and broader context.

Hedges + Shrinkers

• Just: “I’m just concerned that…”

• Actually: “I actually have a question…” 

• Kind of: “I kind of think we should consider this…” 

• Almost: “I almost wonder if that is the right way to go…”

Hedges and shrinkers are often used to proactively diffuse any perceived aggression or abrasiveness, as well as to ease our discomfort in presenting a new idea or making a bold suggestion. As food for thought, Tara poses this question: “Can you picture any leader you admire saying to her team, ‘I kind of think we should…?’ ”

Apologies

• Sorry, but: “Sorry to interrupt, but…”

• Just a minute: “If I could take just a minute of your time…”

• A little bit: “If I could tell you a little bit about my project…"

Of course, the caveat remains that there will always be times when an apology is indeed the only appropriate response, along with many situations that will demand a more delicate approach. However, for many people, apologizing is a deeply ingrained, unconscious, and reflexive habit. It’s really a matter of learning to save “sorry” for mistakes and hurt feelings, rather than for taking up space or asking valid questions.  

Qualifiers + Disclaimers

• “I’m no expert, but…” 

• “I could be wrong, but…”

• “I’m just thinking off the top of my head…” 

• “Does that make sense?” 

• “Do you know what I mean?"

Many of us have been socialized and conditioned to be humble. In the same way we find it difficult to proudly share our accomplishments, some of us also find it tough to truly own our unique insights, ingenuity, and creativity in a public forum. Downplaying our qualifications and vocally questioning ourselves somehow makes sharing feel safer.

Statements Pretending to Be Questions

According to Tara, we often couch our statements in questions because we are actively trying to avoid conflict, visibility and claiming power. For example, “What about increasing the marketing budget?” vs. “I really think we need to increase the marketing budget.”

The problem is that when you’re constantly asking questions, as opposed to confidently asserting your recommendations and suggestions, you are unintentionally positioning yourself as someone who doesn’t contribute in a meaningful or memorable way. And as a result, you’re unlikely to get any credit for the ideas you’re “asking” about in the long run.

The Unintended Side Effects of Being Likeable

Via my social experiment - the sheer amount of apologies and qualifiers I encountered, along with some healthy doses of subtle self-deprecation, were fascinating (from myself included!). Yet, what many of us don’t realize is that by apologizing unnecessarily, hiding our ideas behind questions and diluting our opinions in order to play nice with others, we may be doing more harm than good – particularly in a professional context. 

Paradoxically, while we are consciously seeking to be warm, polite, conciliatory, and collaborative, we are often unconsciously diminishing our credibility, hindering opportunities for advancement and compromising our authenticity. As author Paulo Coelho has cautioned, “Never try to please everyone; if you do, you will be respected by no one.” In our efforts to be amicable, we can convey uncertainty, tentativeness and self-doubt to our listeners - none of which are coveted leadership traits.

That said, friendliness and likeability don’t need to be sacrificed in order to project more confidence and competence. Exuding more warmth through verbal and nonverbal communication, while simultaneously minimizing unhelpful speech patterns, can go a long way in terms of achieving a finer balance. Conveying warmth is really just a simple matter of being genuine, being generous and being human.

In the timeless words of Dr. Maya Angelou, “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

Do you have any undermining speech habits? Please share them and your other thoughts in the comments below!

Stop Getting in Your Own Way

1) Stop Shrinking

As Marianne Williamson tells us in A Return to Love: “Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you… as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

As women, we really need to start lovingly calling ourselves out more and fiercely step into our brilliance and big ideas. Much like Williamson says, “We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?”  

2) Stop Telling Your Big Dreams to Small-Minded People

Really, just stop. We can all thank Steve Harvey for the interview he did with Oprah when he offered this pointed reminder that a lot of people simply won’t understand, or just don’t deserve to hear, your boldest and most beautiful aspirations.

You likely already know exactly who these people are, and you may even love a few of them dearly, but do yourself a favor and stop putting yourself in a position where you have to listen to their negative, deflating and defeating responses.

Constantly defending and justifying your dreams and desires is not only exhausting, but also counterproductive and unhealthy. Take the time to actively seek out like-minded people who will acknowledge, affirm and celebrate your audacious goals.

3) Stop Settling

Janis Joplin said it best in her very last interview: “You are what you settle for.”

Whether it’s toxic people, the status quo, the dead-end job or an unhealthy lifestyle, it’s simply a fact that people often choose the familiar over the unknown – even when the familiar is really, really bad.  And, while it’s hard to admit, many of us find a certain solace in shifting accountability for any adverse circumstances outside of ourselves.  

Pervasive self-doubt or an unwillingness to take ownership of our stake in the game serves to keep so many women royally stuck. Playing bigger in the world requires that you recognize it is indeed better to be alone than poorly accompanied and that your past does not need to be the primary predictor of your future.     

4) Stop Saying Yes

Women, more so than men, routinely say yes to tasks, commitments and people that are entirely incongruent with their passions and priorities. In repeatedly saying yes to others, you are constantly screaming no to yourself. All too often, as Brené Brown puts it, “we stand outside of our story and hustle for our worthiness by constantly performing, perfecting, pleasing, and proving.”

 Mastering the art of persistently and politely declining “busy work” and soul-sucking activities (and individuals!) isn’t easy, but it’s the most liberating thing you’ll ever do. By making a habit of answering only to what calls you deeply, you’ll empower yourself to spend more time as a “human being,” rather than a “human doing.”

5) Stop Waiting Until You’re Ready

 In my leadership development work, I regularly encounter women who tell me that they will “start” – launch their business, go for the promotion, share their creative work - once they take one more course, get one more credential or make one more connection in their industry.  While women point to their lack of experience or expertise for inaction, in reality so many of us are either buying into the myth that we need to be “more” to be worthy or we are just comfortably shackled to mediocrity.

 As Steven Pressfield writes in the War of Art, “We fear discovering that we are more than we think we are…We fear that we actually possess the talent that our still, small voice tells us. That we actually have the guts, the perseverance, the capacity. We fear that we truly can steer our ship, plant our flag, reach our Promised Land. We fear this because, if it’s true, then we become estranged from all we know.”

We need to consciously recognize that procrastination and perfectionism are usually nothing more than the by-products of fear and resistance – your ego’s artful ways of protecting you from the vulnerability that accompanies visibility.  Get cozy with discomfort and prepare to feel unsure, unqualified and unprepared at times, but meet yourself where you’re at and just get going. 

7 Essential Practices of Brilliant Women

Women who create extraordinary lives, businesses and organizations unquestionably possess an elevated command of personal leadership.

 Ask a thriving woman who has achieved any amount of personal and professional success and she will tell you without hesitation that it was an inside job that got her there. Leadership is not a position – it’s a constant, conscious and very often, courageous decision.  

Contemplating a bold move, feeling stuck or simply wanting to step into a more luminous version of your current self? Consider some of the following practices, along with a few of the brilliant women who will inspire you to become dedicated to them.

Commit to a Reality Reset

Brilliant women consistently choose to see life as a playground of wisdom, wonder and wealth of opportunities.

Making the decision to view the world through a lens of compassion rather than comparison, of joy rather than judgment, transforms your lived experience exponentially.

 When you walk through your days actively seeking chances to create good, express gratitude and celebrate others, the universe unfailingly reciprocates your efforts in abundance via relationships, resources and divine downloads of inspiration.

Get inspired by: Gabrielle Bernstein & Marianne Williamson

Release your Regret Demons

Brilliant women heed the sage words of Henry David Thoreau: “Never look back unless you are planning to go that way.”

We’ve all missed the boat, been looked over, fallen short, not shown up, and said the worst possible thing at the worst possible time.

Acknowledge the value of your past by honoring the lessons you needed to learn and leave the rest behind. Your unrelenting presence in the present is truly the greatest gift you can give to your future.

Get inspired by: Sera Beak & Danielle LaPorte

Aspire with Heart and Fire

Brilliant women are ignited into action by purpose and passion more than ambition and recognition.

Further, they endeavor to establish “goals with soul,” alongside a healthy relationship with expectations.  As Danielle LaPorte explains in The Desire Map, “Intentions and goals are tools for liberation. But when we use goal chasing like a hammer, it can beat up on our self-esteem, relationships and creativity.”

When you detach yourself from specific, rigid outcomes and temper fierceness with flexibility, you are far more receptive to fresh ideas and new opportunities.  

Get inspired by: Waris Dirie & Elizabeth Gilbert

Impassioned Self-Care

Brilliant women know that habits define destiny.

Stretching into your widest possibilities entails prioritizing hours in the bedroom over those in the boardroom, indulging in vinyasa more than vino and holding dedicated, regular space for your personal and private relationships.

Significant health risks aside, keeping overwhelm and exhaustion at bay is vital to the renewal of creativity and energy stores.

 Brilliant women swear by the power of exertion-induced endorphins, along with regular fresh air, as an elixir for innovation and problem solving. Simply put: sleep, sweat and connection manifest brilliance far more often and organically than all-nighters and marathon sessions at the computer ever will.

 Get inspired by: Kris Carr & Arianna Huffington  

Dismiss the Critics

Brilliant women understand that what other people think of them is really none of their business.

When you start to play a bigger game in the world, those unfortunate sufferers of tall poppy syndrome inevitably begin to emerge in droves.  As Aristotle once said, the only way to avoid criticism is to “say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.”

The paradoxical truth is that brilliant women tend to fail harder, faster and more frequently - simply because they repeatedly step into the arena and “dare greatly,” while the vast majority of people sit idly, but certainly not quietly, on the sidelines.

As your star rises, stand tall and stay classy by remembering this gem from Brené Brown: “Don't try to win over the haters; you are not a jackass whisperer.”

 Get inspired by: Ali Brown & Maysoon Zayid

Share Space with Luminaries

Brilliant women connect boldly and bravely.

Assuming Jim Rhon’s assertion that we are generally the average of the five people we spend the most time with, brilliant women are inclined to surround themselves with other thought leaders, change agents and light workers.

Brilliance tends to be contagious, so harnessing the shared energy and connection of mentorship, masterminds, conferences and workshops is an infinitely wise move.  

Brilliant women also know that it’s always too late to build a relationship when you need it. Routinely cultivating and growing your tribe guarantees a support network to carry you through challenges, as well as to propel you upwards when you set your sights higher.

Get inspired by: Marie Forleo & Chantal Pierrat

Be Shoulders to Stand On

Brilliant women always aim to elevate the women beneath and beside them.

As former U.S. Secretary of State, Madeline Albright, notoriously quipped in a 2006 keynote address, “There is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”

Genuinely brilliant women always spend a substantial portion of their hard-earned influence, prominence and position as currency to promote, educate and inspire the women they lead, serve and support.

Get inspired by: Betty-Ann Heggie & Sheryl Sandberg

Are you a brilliant woman with an essential practice that hasn’t been included? Who are the women inspiring you to step more fully into leadership? I’d love to hear from you at: connect@jamiyoung.com