When You’re Being Handled, Not Heard: Knowing The Difference

There’s a specific kind of emotional fatigue that comes up after a conversation where you were never really heard.

Where you spoke, but your words bounced off a wall of someone else’s self-importance.

Where presence was absent. Where connection was replaced by performance.

These are discussions with people who listen to respond, not to understand.

And you know these ones - you can see it in their eyes, even mid-sentence.

While you're opening your heart, they’re already rehearsing their rebuttal. While you're offering vulnerability, they’re reaching for a punchline, a pronouncement, a platitude, or a pat on their own back.

They speak in declarations and dismissals. Exchanges with them don’t feel like shared space, but like stages they’ve hijacked.

What they say is always more important.
What you say is always misunderstood, minimized, or maneuvered into a segue back to them.

And if you’re especially unlucky, you care a whole lot about this person.

The Anatomy of a One-Up

These individuals are often dominated by two seemingly contradictory traits: enormous ego and fragile self-worth. They are driven by deep-seeded psychological demands to be the smartest, the most informed, the most interesting, the most right.

But it’s all camouflage. Beneath the surface lies a raging insecurity they haven’t named and probably don’t even recognize.

This isn’t just annoying; it’s damaging. Especially in close, intimate relationships - the pattern of constantly being talked over, corrected, or condescended to can wear down your sense of value in the relationship.

Over time, you find yourself sharing less. Saying less. Offering less.

Because what is the point?

The Tactics of Disconnection

In these interactions, there’s typically a pretty predictable repertoire:

• Condescending laughter: the kind that says, “You poor thing, you really don’t get it.”

• Flippant responses: quick retorts that signal boredom or disdain.

• Unsolicited advice: not offered with care, but with superiority.

• Judgments disguised as concern: “I just worry you’re not thinking this through.”

• Proclamations: dramatic, absolute statements that shut down dialogue rather than invite it.

You begin to notice that your voice no longer belongs in the room. Not because you lost it, but because it is constantly muted.

You start editing yourself in real time, not for clarity but for survival.

You weigh every word, anticipating the interruption, the correction, the smirk. Eventually, the conversations stop being spaces you enter fully and become something you endure quietly.

And when you walk away? You feel disheartened, disregarded, disparaged.

Why This Hurts So Much More Sometimes

If this person is a colleague or an acquaintance, managing expectations and navigating the relational landscape isn’t too tricky - you easily distance yourself.

But if it’s a parent, a partner, a child, a sibling, or a close friend, the stakes are higher.

You want to be understood by them. You want to feel safe with them. You want to be met.

So, when they consistently miss the mark, not because they’re incapable, but because they’re unrelentingly unwilling or unable to meet you where you’re at, it wears and tears. It creates an inaudible ache, a particular sort of relational erosion.

Over time, it teaches you to expect less - not because you want to, but because you’ve learned you must.

What’s Really Going On…

The scarcity of self-worth is overcompensated with an inflated sense of certainty that all too often comes off as bravado.

They don’t know how to sit in ambiguity or admit they don’t have the answer.

They don’t know how to offer presence without performance.

They frequently storm off their own stage with tantrum-like indignity.

Somewhere along the way, they acquired an understanding that their value came from being right, being impressive, or being in control.

Empathy, in their world, is a risk. It requires stepping outside of themselves, and they’re often not ready or equipped to do that.

So instead, they “listen” with a shield up and a script ready.

How to Protect Your Peace Without Playing Their Game

You can’t change these people, but you can change how you engage - not to punish or provoke, but to preserve your peace and reclaim your power.

1. Stop Seeking Emotional Bread from an Empty Bakery

You keep going back to them for empathy, understanding, or support and every time, you leave starving. At some point, the onus is on you to stop expecting emotional nourishment from someone who simply cannot provide it.

It’s not personal. It’s their limitation, not your lack.

2. Don’t Explain Yourself to Be Understood

If you find yourself over-explaining or trying to say it just right so they won’t twist your words - pause.

You’re not responsible for decoding yourself to someone committed to misunderstanding/undermining you.

Speak your truth simply. Let go of their reaction.

3. Use Clear Boundaries, Not Covert Hints

Trying to subtly shift their behaviour with passive cues won’t work. Be unabashedly concise about your needs.

As in: “When I’m sharing something important, I’m not looking for advice. I just want someone to sit with me in it.”

Whether they can meet that is up to them, but at least you’ve named it.

 4. Limit Vulnerability with Perilous People

Just because you love them doesn’t mean they’ve earned front-row seats to the entirety of your inner life. Love does not require total transparency - it requires knowing who can hold what.

You can be full-in with someone and still decide they’re not the right person to be by your side in certain circumstances.

They likely won’t be on your side either.

5. Resist the Lure to One-Up Back

This is crucial. It’s tempting to mirror their energy - to prove you know better, to interrupt, to push back, to win. But when you do, you join the same ego spiral.

Stay grounded in your intention to connect. Lead by example - even if they never follow.

Lastly, Grieve What You Wish the Relationship Could Be

This is the hardest part. If this person happens to live in a sacred corner of your heart, you likely have an internal aspiration of what the relationship could be. And every disappointing conversation reignites that longing.

Grieve it. Mourn the closeness you hoped for. Accept what is - not with bitterness, but with bright intention and affirmed resignation.

This grief is not weakness: it’s a form of release. It’s a way to stop trying to excavate gold from a quarry of nothing.

Your worth is not diminished by someone else’s inability to hear you.

You don’t need to be louder, sharper, or more convincing to be deserving of understanding. You just need to be you.

Offer your words where they can land, take root, and grow.

Not every person deserves your full voice.
But that doesn’t mean your voice is any less valuable.

Speak anyway.
Just be wise about where and with whom.

Guilt Is Not a Pretty Motivator: Choose Grace Over Grudges

We’ve all been there. Plans were made. You were looking forward to the lunch, the walk, the visit.

And then, cancelled.

Maybe you had to rearrange your schedule, line up child care, or talk yourself into showing up at all. And then the message comes: “I’m so sorry, but I can’t make it.”

It’s tempting to lean into the shame and blame game: to make them feel badly, to prove your own loyalty, to emphasize how often you show up.

But here’s the truth:

Guilt is not a pretty motivator.

It generates ill will, not intimacy. It fosters distrust, not deeper connection. And when you try to guilt someone into showing up, you may succeed - but you won't get the version of them that’s truly present or capable. You'll get someone guarded, resentful, and bracing for judgment.

And anyway, we never truly know what’s going on behind the scenes with others.

That person who cancelled? She might be sitting in her parked car, shaking from a panic attack. Or on the floor of her laundry room, holding the pieces of herself together because she just received devastating news. He might be staring at a spreadsheet, feeling like a failure at work, wondering how to tell his partner that their finances are falling apart. They might be caring for a child who hasn't slept in days, or simply staring at the wall wondering if they can make it through the week.

Grief, burnout, hormones, heartbreak, health scares, caregiving, divorce, depression, overstimulation, overwhelm - these are not things people post on their Instagram stories.

These are the real, raw, often silent struggles people carry while trying to maintain their commitments and relationships.

People postpone and reschedule with me all the time. Truly. And I do not take it personally. That’s not a moral badge - it’s self-preservation, and it’s love. I’ve learned that offering others the benefit of the doubt is not about being naive; it’s about recognizing that compassion is a more reliable bridge than guilt.

When someone switches up the plan on me, I choose to send them well wishes instead of a wounded silence. “Thanks for letting me know - take care of you.” That’s it.

No “again?”

No “I rearranged everything for this.”

Just grace. Simple, kind, and surprisingly liberating.

Because when I cancel - yes, me too (more than I’d like too) - I want to be held with that same softness. I want to know I don’t need to explain the details of my fatigue or certain circumstances to be treated with kindness.

I want to be trusted. I want to be loved in the gaps.

So this is a call to drop the guilt, the passive-aggressive remarks, the cold shoulders. People are not disappointing you to hurt you. They are often just trying to survive.

Guilt makes people feel bad about themselves. Grace makes people feel seen as themselves.

If your goal is deeper connection, trust, or a return to something more solid and joyful - don’t reach for guilt. Reach for kindness. Consciously choose curiosity over criticism, and tenderness over tally-keeping. It changes everything.

And so next time someone cancels, let your response be the soft place they didn’t know they needed. You’ll be amazed at how often they come back - not out of obligation, but because it feels safe to be human around you.

A Brave and Lovely Life: Embracing a Paradoxical Ethic

How to be discerning without hardening, generous without erasing, and powerful without shouting.

In a world of noise and contradiction, clarity is rare - and courage, rarer still. We’re urged to be kind, yet firm. Honest, yet diplomatic. We’re told to forgive, but also to protect our peace. These tensions can feel like impossible knots to untangle - unless we embrace the paradox.

Unless we simplify to amplify.

At the heart of this philosophy is a quiet rebellion: to “seek to do brave and lovely things left undone by the majority of people.” This means doing the work most avoid - the listening, the truth-telling, the reaching beyond what’s expected.

Not for attention, but for alignment. Because when you're called to something meaningful, “good is the enemy of great” (Jim Collins). We don’t fall short because we aim too high - we fall short because we settle. For ease, for politeness, for what passes.

But at the other end of the spectrum lies perfectionism, the great paralyzer. Here, Voltaire’s caution is our guide: “Perfect is the enemy of good.” In trying to make things flawless, we delay progress, avoid risk, and often abandon what could have been meaningful. Sometimes “good enough” is not mediocrity - it’s momentum.

My own path to this way of thinking began in 2013, during a pivotal and tender chapter in my life. I found myself at a retreat centre in Northern California -  The Expanding Light, quietly seeking guidance at a moment of personal transition. It was there I encountered the writings of Paramhansa Yogananda, an Eastern spiritual teacher who brought his philosophy of self-realization and divine courage to the West. Among his many teachings, one line struck a deep chord: “Do brave and lovely things.” 

It felt less like advice and more like an instruction - one I didn’t know I’d been waiting for. That phrase became my personal mission statement, a compass I’ve carried ever since.

Bravery, then, is neither complacency nor perfection. It is doing the real thing, even if it's messy. And that includes sharing your truth – with a caveat: Be brave enough to share your story, and kind enough not to share anybody else's. 

Your courage doesn’t require someone else’s exposure. Your voice doesn’t require a villain.

And when others wrong us - as they inevitably will - clarity matters. As Anne Lamott famously wrote, “If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” This is not a call to cruelty - it’s a defense of reality. Pretending everything is fine isn’t kindness; it’s complicity.

Telling the truth is not betrayal - it’s a boundary.

Still, discernment must walk with grace. “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time,” said Maya Angelou.

Stop romanticizing potential. Stop justifying patterns. Trust your knowing. The first truth is usually the clearest.

Yet even as we honour the truth, Brené Brown reminds us to “assume the most generous interpretation of the situation.” Not to excuse harm, but to stay anchored in who we are. This kind of generosity is not about being naïve - it’s about refusing to let pain define your posture. You can be both discerning and open-hearted. Tough and tender.

To live by these principles is not to live in contradiction, but in fullness. You are not fragmented - you are layered.

This is the paradox of the brave and lovely life. It is fire and stillness, steel and silk. It is a path of holding truth with care, and care with strength.

To walk this way is to reject smallness. To refuse mediocrity. To be the kind of person who doesn't confuse loudness for power, or kindness for weakness. You become a quiet revolutionary: brave enough to act, soft enough to listen, clear enough to know the difference.

Not because it’s easy -
but because it’s right.

Why I Don’t Have Any Heroes

Late last fall, I had the opportunity to be in the presence of a woman who was courageously sharing the story of her miraculous and messy life from a stage – it was a wholly riveting and raw experience.   

However, at one point as she was speaking about her journey, she referred to a certain thought leader as being her “biggest hero.” While these particular words were likely an innocuous choice, they struck a deep nerve in me that conjured up some disquiet and uneasiness. 

In the moment I fully understood that this woman’s primary intention was to express gratitude and convey that this teacher had served as a deep well of motivation, inspiration, joy, and comfort in her life. But at the same time, I could palpably sense a sort of longing, an underlying sentiment of “not quite enough.” Something along the lines of: “If only I could be as wise, brave, beautiful, known, celebrated, successful…” 

And it’s been this part that I haven’t been able to shake ever since. Because, to paraphrase Neil Gaiman, I totally dig stories where women save themselves. I also love it when they’re able to unapologetically claim the glory of doing so.   

Appreciation vs. Exaltation

There are countless artists, authors, leaders, makers, and musicians for whom I have endless amounts of appreciation, admiration, and even full-on adoration. I also have a small, but mighty list of teachers, mentors, and guides I cherish and respect like mad. And of course, I’ve got an exquisite collection of friends, sisters, colleagues, and other dear ones who inspire, impress, and render me awe-struck on a regular basis. 

Without a doubt, I’ve been influenced, impacted, and irrevocably transformed by many of their ideas, creations, and contributions. 

I’ve been moved to tears and brought to my knees in the face of the magic, beauty, and brilliance they’ve brought to the world. 

I’ve been ignited and propelled into action by bearing witness to their audacity, authenticity, and ingenuity. 

I’ve been held and humbled by their support, encouragement, and unconditional love.

But I have never, and will never, call any single one of these people a “hero” or my “idol.” 

Like, not even Oprah, the Dalai Lama, or Dave Grohl.   

And that’s simply because assigning anyone an elevated or expanded status above or beyond us is entirely dangerous and destructive business; pedestals are meant for statues, not human beings.   

The Problem with Pedestals & The Twisted Truth

When we endow others with any kind of super-humanness (in the absence of extraordinary circumstances like running into burning buildings, organ donation, or diving into frigid waters to save a drowning child), we put both them and ourselves in precarious and potentially harmful positions.

Here’s how:

We inevitably create wildly unrealistic expectations on all sides. 

When we start handing out hero status to others, we drastically narrow the margin for error (ahem, humanity) for everybody – essentially setting up the optimal conditions for all kinds of failure, disappointment, and other hard feelings. 

On the one hand, when we go about striving to replicate a life that isn’t ours, we ultimately dismiss our own gifts, diminish our unique potential, and deny the power of our own voice in the futile pursuit of trying to become somebody else. And really, emulation and/or imitation never turns out well in life or business – not only is it soul-sucking, it comes across as inauthentic at best and desperate at worst.

On the other hand, we don’t typically tend to afford a whole lot of grace to our “heroes” in the face of faltering or effing-up. The media is disturbingly rife with examples of this on a daily basis. As the trite saying goes, “We often hurt the ones we love the most.” And as it turns out, that hurting can get diabolical pretty damn fast, particularly when we’ve never actually been face-to-face with that “loved one.” Hello, relentlessly cruel and sensationalized tabloid news.     

Without a doubt, when we make idols out of people, one or all of the following is bound to happen:

•  At some point, we determine we suck when we can’t become them (never gonna happen – there’s only one them and one of you, boo) 

• We decide they suck when they fail to live up to the grossly distorted version of perfection we’ve bestowed upon them (likely gonna happen – via a trip to rehab, a poorly timed or offensive comment, an indiscretion, etc.)  

• We blame them for sucking (ahem, being human), shattering our trust, and crushing our dreams. And then some of us feel inclined to tell the rest of the world how much they suck via social media soap boxes or over wine with girlfriends.

Sadly, the twisted truth of it all is that a lot of people actually revel - whether privately or very, very publicly - in the stumbles, misfortunes, and (perceived) failures of others. Somehow the playing field seems leveled when someone “falls” and there are far too many who take solace and comfort in the adversities of others for their own self-affirmation. Rather than embracing our shared humanity and extending care and kindness, these folks tend to take every opportunity to zealously hop on the criticism bandwagon and even actively participate in the “take-down.”

It’s a very real thing y’all and it’s been called “tall poppy syndrome.” I’d encourage you to Google it, but for expediency sake, it describes the phenomenon where people are resented, attacked, cut down, strung up, or criticized because they have been inadvertently classified as superior in some way. 

At the end of the day, when we make our love, respect, and appreciation of other people solely contingent on their achievements, accolades, or accomplishments, we rob them of their “humanness.”  

When we measure our success, worthiness, appearance, and impact with a never-ending comparison yardstick, we rob ourselves (and the rest of the world!) of our greatest potential, grandest possibilities, and most genuine contributions.

If there are any heroes in this world, they live within us – not above or beyond us. I like to think that the majority of us are loving, generous, fierce, fumbling, and fallible warriors fighting the good fight for our “one wild and precious life.” And when we do it out loud and on purpose with as much integrity, creativity, compassion, and courage as possible, we all win. 

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The doors for the fall sessions of Rise by Design are now open!

The messy and miraculous business of living. 50 things.

In the past month or so I…

1. stood with my son on top of a mountain for the first time

2. passionately kissed my husband by a bubbling waterfall 

3. watched my daughter bravely walk into her first day of grade two

4. leisurely sipped wine on the terrace of the Banff Springs Hotel

5. admired my naked face in the reflection in a crystal clear lake

6. wished my 90-year-old grandmother Bon Voyage as she set off with her new beau on a week-long adventure to Newfoundland 

7. ate fondue in an old swingers’ hideaway with a super sexy man

8. was celebrated and recognized in the most soul-shaking way ever

9. logged over 25 miles on hiking trails in the Rockies over a couple of days

10. played UNO with my red-headed-potty-mouthed superstar niece

11. fell madly in love with a regal and resilient guy named Louis (the extraordinarily handsome, but also elderly and totally blind dog, who stayed with our family) 

12. took my vitamins every single day (this is a big deal, guys)

13. showed up to the mat nearly every single day

14. hung out with one of my fave movie stars

15. watched my grandparents slow dance to Unchained Melody in my kitchen   

16. shot hoops with the neighbourhood kids in our driveway

17. heroically completed two chapters of my book

18. watched a woman speak her truth while wearing a secret cape   

19. heard my mama say, “He can’t take his eyes off her and she can’t take her hands off him,” as she described the scene over the phone as my sister’s beloved emerged from a coma following nearly fatal cardiac arrest (he’s only 43 y’all)

20. held sacred space for six women who consistently rock my world and feed my spirit

21. received over 250 flowers and a few thousand words from some of the most exquisitely thoughtful people on the planet 

22. reignited my love for Prince, Martina McBride, Skid Row, Natalie Merchant, and Metallica 

23. gave a pretty stellar TV interview

24. felt divinely inspired to write poetry for the first time in a decade

25. made the bestest homemade Mac ‘n Cheese ever for a handful and a half of humans I can’t live without

Also in the past month or so I… 

1. took allergy medication for the very first time

2. received the scariest phone call EVER

3. ate a ton of crap fast food 

4. cancelled and rescheduled meetings that were wildly important to me 

5. was forced to confront my mortality and that of everyone who is precious and loved by me

6. missed a super important deadline

7. voiced thoughtless and rather unkind opinions about cats in the presence of cat ladies

8. slept for less than four hours 15 out of 30 nights

9. had a painfully difficult conversation with a dear one

10. received a tax notice for an outstanding $15K

11. poorly parented my babies in moments of crisis

12. witnessed terror, shock, and grief that I’d prefer to never see again

13. was snarky to people who didn’t deserve it

14. was vulnerable with a few who hadn’t earned it

15. mindlessly binged on 50+ hours of Netflix (highly recommend “The Fosters”)

16. said “farewell for now” to a friendship that was hurting my heart

17. listened to “If Tomorrow Never Comes” (classic, gut-wrenching Garth Brooks) on repeat about 427 times

18. suffered from a bout of food poisoning  

19. neglected to respond timely and lovingly to a number of emails 

20. killed a plant that I’ve very proudly kept alive longer than I ever thought possible

21. ugly-cried A LOT

22. unceremoniously and impulsively flipped off a dangerous driver via my driver’s side window with buckets of gusto, insistence, and animation (it was kinda like a boomerang on IG, without the necessity of boomerang)

23. absolutely BOMBED a radio interview 

24. remembered that I entirely forgot to send my nephew a birthday present and still haven’t done a damn thing about it two weeks later

25. broke a monumentally mammoth promise I made to myself

It’s been quite spectacular and sucky, magnificent and murky, glorious and gross, exceptional and excruciating.   

But I am beyond grateful for EVERY. SINGLE. MINUTE. of it all. 

Because I’m here. 

Living, loving, laughing, walking, talking, hurting, healing, helping, giving, gasping, grasping, raging, reeling, sobbing, smiling, playing, praying, creating, breathing, and being.  

I’m here. 

Forgiving, forgetting, and flying forward with fierce intentions. 

I’m here. 

Petting puppies, kissing babies, making lunches, learning Spanish, basking in the light, and rolling around in the dirt.     

So, while there’s not a lot of tragedy in all of this truth, it’s MY truth – raw, real, and resplendent - right here and right now.  

And truth is potent medicine when it’s pure - whether it comes from a pharmacy of privilege or a dispensary of deep despair and unimaginable injustice.

I’m here. And I’m grateful. 

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The doors for the fall sessions of Rise by Design are now open!

Rising by Design: Celebrating 6 Fierce Feminine Leaders

Earlier this spring, I shared a post that showcased a handful of Rise by Designers and the abundance of epic goodness they are broadcasting in the world. It was a super fun piece to pull together because the five women I featured are so near and dear to me, and really, there's nothing I like doing more than spotlighting beauty, bravery, and brilliance.  

However, it was a stretch in visibility and vulnerability for all of us - myself included. Because in addition to asking these women to be seen and celebrated in a big way, I'd also invited each of them to offer up a few thoughts regarding their experiences of me and my work to include in the article. Not an easy thing to do.   

Because here's the thing. While I've willingly signed up for this role as an ambassador of sisterhood, celebration, support, and solidarity in a pretty public way, I'm definitely not immune to bouts of fear, self-doubt, and insecurity. Yet at the same time, it would be entirely out of integrity for me to keep sending out these clarion calls for women to stand in their power, speak their truth, ask for what they need, proudly promote their businesses, and shine their bright lights if I'm not willing to do the same with some audaciousness, authenticity, and consistency - even if it feels difficult on occasion.

I've just learned how to keep leaning into the discomfort of it all and use it as fuel to move forward rather than causing me to stall out and shrink down. 

It's really a matter of making the choice to rise rather than hide, over and over and over again. 

And so, here we are again and I'm delightedly taking the journey once more with a whole new of sister-loves whom I adore, admire, and respect like mad.

Here's who you're going to meet:  

ANGELA - a heart-centred, purpose-driven personal trainer who exercises courage and compassion on the daily.    

CARALEE - a wholistic sex, love, and relationship coach on a mission to infuse the world with a whole lot more passion and pleasure.

CHELSEA - a soulful small business owner who loves fearlessly, lives truthfully, and gives endlessly.

CRYSTAL - a celebrated event expert who effortlessly exudes excellence and elegance at every turn.  

JACKIE - an inspired entrepreneur and bold business owner who moves the world with integrity, grace, and thoughtfulness.  

KAREN - a culinary goddess with a selfless spirit who embodies ancient wisdom.

As Robert Burns, the great 18th-century Scottish poet and songwriter, once said: 

"Oh would some power the gift give us,to see ourselves as others see us."    

The above descriptions very accurately describe how I so honestly see the six women below and how they show up in my life and heart. However, these short sentences capture but an ounce of their essences and the extraordinary contributions they make in the lives of those they love, lead, and serve. I wholly encourage you to check out the various links in their profiles and urge you to reach out to any one of them if you feel called to do so.  

And of course, I'm beyond humbled and honoured to receive the gracious gifts of how they see me and the time we've spent together. It is my sincere hope and wish that our stories and celebrations will inspire, embolden, and uplift you.  

ANGELA ERICKSON // FIT PRAIRIE GIRL

Angela Erickson, owner and operator of Fit Prairie Girl, is a body positive personal trainer empowering women to courageously love themselves unconditionally. She provides a space where women feel strong, brave, confident, worthy, and part of a supportive community.

Leaving the corporate world in 2016 allowed her to find her passion and purpose, which lead her to fitness. Angela aspires to work with women who are ready to find their power and strength. She trains her clients to celebrate their inner badass and is inspired daily when they unleash their power. Integrating fitness into her own lifestyle helped her personally manage depression and anxiety. Now, she has the firsthand opportunity to witness the healing powers that movement has for her clients when coping with grief and/or self-doubt on a regular basis. 

Angela offers one-on-one training and small group sessions in Warman and Saskatoon in an unintimidating environment.  Wherever you are on your journey, she’s ready to help you…do you…for you.

IN HER WORDS…

“Have you ever been stuck and wonder how the hell you are going to make it through?  I often wonder where the Universe would have taken me had I not enrolled in Rise By Design with Jami. Just before taking the course, I did what some have labeled as “the unthinkable” and left my career of 16 years, yet I had no freaking idea of what life was going to look like moving forward, other than I knew fitness and wellness would play a large part. 

Rise by Design took my soul on a guided tour of healing and then transformed it into this magnificent light. The sisterhood was, and continues to be, solid. The deep and soulful discussions helped me discover the connections between what I was called to do and where I recognized my greatest power and strength. The journey was absolutely right for me.”  

CARALEE RAST // LOVE UNLEASHED

CaraLee Rast is an Integrated Sex, Love, and Relationship Coach. In her work, CaraLee expertly guides and supports individuals and couples through the process of uncovering and fully claiming their deepest desires, truest passions, and every hidden piece of their magnificent potential in a non-judgemental space of love, safety, and compassion. Her mission is to help men and women tap into their personal power, transcend limiting beliefs, and create rich and nourishing relationships  - with themselves, their partners, and Mother Earth - that are soulfully aligned and overflowing with integrity, intimacy, vitality, and sensuality.    

IN HER WORDS…

“It is a great honour and the purest of pleasures to share my experience of Rise by Design and working with Jami. I’ll be the first to admit I went into the program a little sceptical, yet still interested to learn the "hidden skills" of women’s leadership in order to better lead and compete in a male dominated industry. HOWEVER, what I walked out of this life experience with (and believe me on this, it is a transformational LIFE experience!) was a profound and deeper understanding of who I was as a woman, which actually led me to leave my career and ultimately start to follow my passion.

Jami has this gorgeous gift of seeing you in a way that you can't, don't, or won't see of yourself, and then is able reflect back your brilliance, power, undeniable worth - the worth of your time, your energy, and your ability to live your best life. Jami is an inspiration and a matriarch to an unbelievable tribe of like-minded, lustrous women who are stepping out into the world in big, beautiful, and brave ways. 

RBD pointed me down the path to finding my life's passion in my career as a coach, and opened me up to sisterhood, support, and how I truly wanted to feel in my body and in my life. It opened me up to how I wanted to be showing up in the world and how I wanted to be offering my gifts. This woman and this program forever changed my life, because Jami gave me the reflection of my own dazzling brilliance, along with the tools to harness it for life.

Thank you Jami for genius, your bravery, and all the loveliness you have brought into my life. ❤"

CHELSEA STEBNER // PARR AUTO BODY

Chelsea Stebner is Owner and Managing Partner of Parr Auto Body. Her role focuses on Business Development, HR, industry relations, and more. She’s passionate and committed to her team and the betterment of the collision repair industry, as well as her community in Saskatoon. Chelsea is involved with several industry boards as well as local business committees. Chelsea is wife to Mark and Mom to Kate and Allison. She’s an avid reader, as well as an expert cinnamon roll and cookie baker and fisherwoman. 

IN HER WORDS…

“Rise by Design could not have happened at a more pivotal time in my career and life. With constant change and growing - as a businessperson, wife and Mom - RBD was an amazing opportunity to develop and better learn what I needed as a person to become a stronger woman and more effective and engaged leader.  

When so many of us are so busy being busy and struggling to find space and presence in our world today, Jami’s leadership and teachings evoke a sense of empowerment and togetherness and help give one the voice and the strength to walk forward in life. Immeasurably, the sisterhood that she’s created is making waves in our community and is changing how women lead their lives. What Jami offers - support, finding voice, leading with wisdom, grace, authenticity, and strength - will continue to create positive change in our world today and in the future.  

The camaraderie and support received throughout Rise continues long beyond the completion of the course. I can’t wait to continue on my journey with the women I’ve met and the connections that have been created. If you’re looking for to make a difference in your life and those around you – look no further than RBD and step into a brighter world.”

CRYSTAL ANDERSON MACLEOD // RSVP EVENT DESIGN

Crystal is the owner and a five-time national award winning event planner whose work has been featured in the magazines Wed Luxe and Wedding Bells. Her expert advice has been shared with listeners, viewers, and readers on CBC Radio, CTV News, Global News and the Star Phoenix.

With a background in fashion, fine arts, and certification from the Wedding Planners Institute of Canada and the Protocol School of Washington, Crystal has continuously turned dreams into reality by successfully executing hundreds of weddings and corporate events.

Crystal’s spare time is spent with her husband Marc, their son Anderson and daughter Ellie, who can all tie a pretty great chair cover when needed.

IN HER WORDS…

“My path first crossed with Jami’s in the event world and I was immediately in awe. As an event planner I am often praised for my calm demeanor and ability to remain poised and in control under pressure. I quickly noted that Jami took this to a whole new level. I wanted what she was having! 

I enrolled in Rise By Design at one of the busiest times in my life. My business was growing, I was training new staff, and I had a 6 month-old baby. It was the worst possible time to commit myself to anything, but it also came at the very time I needed it most. 

My single biggest takeaway from Rise by Design was value; how I value my business, my time, and most importantly - myself. Jami guided me to examine my personal life, my career, what was and wasn’t serving me, and what I was truly passionate about. It was through her leadership and thought provoking exercises that I realized the empowerment that comes with setting boundaries and the ability to say “no” - to clients, situations, people - anything that wasn't contributing in a meaningful way to the vision I had for my life and business. 

I wholeheartedly recommend Rise by Design to any woman looking to amplify, simplify, and enjoy life more. Be prepared to do some soul searching, while also reaping the benefits of Jami’s warm but firm approach to getting you to ask yourself those difficult questions and most importantly - coming up with a plan to answer them.” 

JACKIE MARTIN // SERIAL ENTREPRENEUR

Jackie is an entrepreneur at heart. She runs an environmental consulting company, a residential development company, and a safety company. She is also a wife and a mother to two young girls.  

She is on the board of the Business and Professional Women of Saskatoon and is always looking for the next business opportunity. Jackie is passionate about spending time with her family at the cabin they built together and can be found there most weekends throughout the year.

IN HER WORDS…

“A couple of years ago I was searching for more connection within my community. In my work, I mostly collaborate with men, with very few women in the fields I specialize in. I am also a life long learner so was drawn to the idea of improving my leadership skills and at the same time meeting and learning from some other strong women in Saskatoon. 

I had seen that a few women I knew had recently completed Rise by Design, so it seemed like a great option for me and the right time to do it. The course opened my eyes to a whole new way of thinking about leadership and how that translates into better business.  

Jami provides direction, clarity, and tangible exercises that push you to strive to be the best version of yourself. What I also got out of the course, which I didn’t expect, was such a strong connection to the other women. We have continued to get together on a regular basis since the class concluded and have formed lasting friendships that I cherish. RBD is an investment in yourself and your business. You deserve it. You don’t know what you are missing!”

KAREN BARDI // FIELD FOX GARDEN AND COOKERY

Karen is a multi-passionate entrepreneur, the morning show television director at CTV Saskatoon, and one of the producers of Telemiracle. Among her passions include Wild Prairie Garden where she grows her own vegetables for her food manufacturing business, Field Fox Gardens and Cookery. 

Karen also dabbles in writing and loves to get lost in the kitchen creating food dishes for family and business. She also happens to be the mother of two of the most amazing children on the planet.

IN HER WORDS…

“As a professional woman closing in on 50, I found myself feeling very alone. Even though loving family, friends, and colleagues always surrounded me, my joy for living was hidden under a thick layer of fear - fear of acknowledging what was underneath the throbbing pain in my heart. I had a deep fear of not knowing how to be a whole woman. As I embraced the lessons and exercises Jami put forward to us, I began to feel safe and I was able to release the fear, and I blossomed. 

During our communion Jami gives us permission to celebrate our feminine power, beauty, intellect, and individuality. She gives us a safe place to dig as deep as we can go so we can heal our wounds. She gives us space to be ourselves, right where we are at, and then uses her innate wisdom to challenge us to rise further. Through her thoughtful and engaging curriculum, Jami challenges us to be whole for ourselves, our families, and our beloved friends, and to be a contributing individual in our communities.

Her kindness, all-inclusive nature, accessibility, powerful intuition, confidence and spiritual preparedness, sets her above the rest. She has self-knowledge and a hunger for more. She has a genuine curiosity of others' hearts and minds, but always asks permission to enter. Her deep desire to help others has garnered tremendous respect from the Legions of Ladies gathering at the hem of her dress. Jami asks us to rise up, to link arms in solidarity at the coming of the tide, so we can, together, raise all ships.

She has given us strength and passion, friendship and hope.”

JOIN THE RISE BY DESIGN SISTERHOOD THIS FALL - THE DOORS FOR THE SEPTEMBER SESSIONS ARE NOW OPEN!

5 Random Habits for More Joy in Your Life (That I Learned the Hard Way)

"Long afterward, she was to remember that moment when her life changed its direction. It was not predestined; she had a choice. Or it seemed she had. To accept or refuse. To take one turning down the crosswords to the future or another."

Evelyn Anthony

1) Operate with loving intentions and pure motives. Always. Doing something solely for applause, appreciation, or accolades hardly ever turns out well. People can smell insincerity a million miles way. Likewise, when we do anything from places of either reluctant obligation or straight-up manipulation, disaster typically ensues. You can rarely go wrong with being genuine and generous.

2) Be selective with your secret sharing. Not everyone deserves to hear our hurts and heartbreaks. People have to earn the right to know the hard, sad, and scary things. Over-sharing with the wrong ones just leads to shame, regret, and a big old vulnerability hangover. And, the same is true for divulging our biggest dreams, bravest aspirations, and most brilliant ideas. In both cases, safe landing spaces are sacred.

3) YOU are forever and categorically your first priority. If you’re not adequately nourished, rested, centred, healthy, hydrated, strong, and sane, you’re doing a mammoth disservice to the people in your life who rely on you for love, guidance, and support.  

4) Remember you’re just not that important. Of course you're an infinitely worthy being deserving of every beautiful and glorious thing that life has to offer, but our egos have tricky ways of distorting our significance. On the one hand, we take things far too personally in situations that have next to nothing to do with us. On the other, we can tend to get all precious and think we are irreplaceable. As a result, we stay in places and resign to circumstances that make us totally miserable.          

5) Don’t spend time with jerks. Jerks keep us small and dark and fearful. You simply can't make space (or excuses!) for anyone who dulls your shine or dims your spirit. When we dedicate hours and energy to those who constantly disappoint, wound, or frustrate us, we seriously undermine the levels of devotion and attention that should be wholly reserved for those in our lives who truly deserve it. 

"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth - and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up - that we begin to live each day to the fullest, as it was the only one we had."

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

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THE DOORS FOR THE FALL SESSIONS OF RISE BY DESIGN ARE NOW OPEN! 

In Her Words: A Spotlight on Sisterhood & 5 Inspiring Reasons Why You Should Decide to Rise

I know I’ve said this a million times in a thousand different ways lately, but every day I deepen more fully, forcefully, and faithfully into this:

When women are seen,celebrated,and supported,they expand their capacity to create extraordinary lives, families,businesses,organizations & communities. 

And this categorically includes me. Over and over and over again. Hands down and head humbly bowed.

I can unabashedly and full-heartedly shout it out to the world that my tribe of soul sisters are the sole reason I continue to rise, shine, and thrive with courage, integrity, and energy – even in the moments when I’d really prefer to be hiding myself away from the world.

I’m beyond blessed to be routinely seen, celebrated, and supported by the five goddesses below. Every one of them came into my life via Rise by Design over the last few years, and in about a billion different brilliant ways, these Super (S)Heroes light up my life - in addition to all of those whom they love, lead, and serve - on the daily.

As the doors for the spring sessions of Rise by Design are currently open for a few more days, I reached out to these five powerhouse females to share their experiences of the course, of me (not gonna lie, THAT felt scary and super vulnerable), and the personal transformations that have transpired as a result of our work together.

Suffice it to say that I was fully unprepared to receive all of their loving, thoughtful, and immensely generous reflections. Some pretty ugly happy crying may have ensued...

Mind blown. Ego shattered. Soul nourished. Heart filled. Life’s work affirmed.

So, what follows below is a synergistic feminine lovefest of epic proportions, as well as a glimpse into what can emerge when you intentionally immerse yourself into a conscious community of brave, lovely, and exceptional women.     

Kelly Bode, Partner/Owner of WMCZ Lawyers

Kelly is a corporate-commercial lawyer and partner at WMCZ Lawyers in Saskatoon, the current Chair of the Saskatoon Chamber of Commerce, and one of the most dedicated, creative, astute, and articulate women I know. Her presence is always a present to me, along with the many others who experience the joy and pleasure of sharing space and time with her. She’s kind of like the gift that just won’t stop giving and I’m entirely privileged to know and love her as I do.  

In her words…

“It is not conjecture to say that Jami has and will continue to single-handedly change the face of leadership in our great city. She is the source of many ripples undulating throughout our community – when one woman has benefited from her training and becomes the leader she has always longed to be; it does not stop there. The enlightened approach and way of interacting, the connection, the power created in that one leader is passed on and through to others and has led to more women supporting one another in more meaningful ways than I have ever witnessed. Thanks to Jami, I and all the other women who have experienced her work, have a network of amazing women who truly want the best for each other and the other women in their lives.”  

Jackie Reimche, Founder and CEO of Freedom Holistic Nutrition

Jackie is non-diet holistic nutritionist who’s primary passion in life is to teach women how to eat and live so that they can be the BEST version of themselves, instead of relentlessly chasing after the smallest version of themselves. She is tirelessly committed to the vision that every woman should have the resources and support to feel fierce, free, and fabulous and she unapologetically walks through her days as a true warrior of this mission. Jackie also happens to be one of the most genuine, gracious and generous women I have ever known and my life is infinitely brighter because she shines her light in it.

In her words…

“I was feeling stuck and alone in my business when I saw an ad for Rise By Design. As I read the description, I just knew I had to take the course. It seemed like a bigger investment than I could make at the time, but instead of overthinking it, I took a deep breath and clicked on the “Sign Up Now” button. Little did I know that “click” would forever change my life. 

Rise By Design was exactly what I needed to help me breathe clarity and purpose into not only my business, but also my personal life. It also helped me develop more confidence and courage to do the things that I want to do. Jami has a gift of truly seeing each individual woman sitting in that room, and bringing out the best in them. She creates a safe and sacred space where life is shared, skills are learned, and connections are created. It's the experience that we have all been looking for. 

One of the best parts is that your work with Jami doesn't end once the class is over. You are then initiated into a community of brilliant and authentic women who have followed Jami's lead and are working to connect and collaborate with each other. 

This experience was truly invaluable and more than I could have hoped for.  I believe that every woman would benefit from this much needed course, because when we are all being fiercely true to who we are and what our passion is, our families, communities, and the world will benefit. I cannot recommend this course highly enough!  Let Jami work her magic in your life. You will never regret it.”  

Shannon Richards, Ambassador of Love, Light & Awesomeness

Shannon is a community igniter and happiness alchemist dedicated to encouraging others to live a life of passion and purpose. Through movement, meditation, laughter, and sunshine, she unconditionally broadcasts love, hope, and sincerity to all of us who have the opportunity to bask in the frequency of her glorious glow. Shannon is the persistent and preeminent ambassador of awesome who proliferates infectious goodness and gladness everywhere she roams. I regularly stalk her on social media and conveniently book events at her workplace so I can “accidently” fall into her arms for one of her legendary hugs.

In her words…

“Rise by Design was just the launch pad I so desperately craved. Jami is amazing at holding space and creating a safe environment to encourage deeper reflection. Being a part of Rise by Design helped me to release things that were no longer serving me which then gave me the freedom to envision a bigger life fuelled by my desires. I highly recommend this course for all women interested in levelling up in their personal and professional lives. What are you waiting for?"

Lana Wickstrom, Separation Specialist

Lana is a visionary advocate who inspires, educates, and expertly supports families and individuals to move through the tremendously deep life transition of separation and divorce with dignity. She is also a renowned community and business leader recognized and much loved for her addictively effervescent personality that unfailingly lights up any room she enters. Without a doubt, Lana is among the most ferocious forces of enlightened feminine leadership that I’ve encountered and I feel infinitely blessed to call her a treasured friend.      

In her words…

“Jami has honed an unparalleled capacity to tap into the exceptional energy that rises from empowering women to become aware of their unique strengths and distinctive necessity for connection, community and celebration. Her contributions include gifting us new language from which to express ourselves, shifting us towards differently measuring our own value and self-worth and encouraging us to reassess boundaries for others and ourselves. Jami has been a vital contributor to the creation, development, and ongoing success of my own business, which she masterfully recognized needed to be a radical departure from what I initially perceived.  Because of Jami Young, leagues of women, including myself, show up and make a difference in the world in bolder and less traditional ways.”

Dawn Wotherspoon, Founder and President of ClubMynx Inc.

In all that she does, Dawn endeavours to create spaces where women elevate and celebrate themselves and each other. The mission of ClubMynx is to support and empower women by providing uplifting movement and wellness experiences. Dawn is a consummate and conscious leader who consistently creates and nurtures a dynamic community that is characterized by a deep sense of belonging and sisterhood. She is also a poignant and powerful space-holder who brings grace and a lasting sense of serenity to every interaction. Since meeting Dawn, I have had the deep privilege of calling on her in a variety of ways to support me in creating containers of depth and substance.    

In her words…  

“I have had the privilege of participating in several of the leadership programs that Jami has offered, including Soul Stretch, Free to Be Seen, and Rise by Design. The content of these programs was phenomenally uplifting and empowering, and evoked a very real transformation in my leadership abilities, as well as my confidence and courage as a woman. Jami has a remarkable gift for delivering her messages and guidance in an authentically supportive way that has inspired many of us to have the bravery to step forward in our true power as women leaders. Her message of collaboration and the value of sisterhood is such a refreshing approach to doing business today.

In the decade that I have been a self-employed entrepreneur, I have attended and participated in a variety of business trainings, accessed numerous leadership resources, and have benefitted greatly from the insights of many incredibly successful mentors and business advisors. Although all have been a tremendous support for me along my entrepreneurial journey, I can without a doubt share that the ideas, concepts and trainings that Jami has guided me through this year have been some of the most impactful to date. She truly has helped me transform into a more confident and courageous leader, which has subsequently affected the hundreds of women I serve within my business as well. She is an example of someone shining in her true light, and I respect her immensely.” 

THE DOORS FOR THE FALL SESSIONS OF RISE BY DESIGN ARE NOW OPEN! 

Another trip around the sun: 22 random things that made it mostly gorgeous, slightly grueling & broke my heart wide open

1. Gallivanted around Paris with one of my besties and kissed the Eiffel Tower again after 20 long years. 
2. Started saying NO ten times more than I say YES. Because it’s often the kinder response. Because boundaries are love-painted fences. 
3. Danced with my beloved in the front row of a Michael Franti concert on our 4th wedding anniversary. It was fun, beautiful, and super special. Thanks again, A. (On the exact same date in 2013, Troy and I gleefully refused to enter the reception until our 300+ guests were on their feet and passionately moving their fabulous selves to “Say Hey (I Love You).”
4. Became increasingly allergic to insincerity, pettiness, and unsolicited opinions, while gaining even brighter clarity around this: gossip is always gross AF – even when you try to dress it up with: “I just care so much about her that I really needed to share this with you…”    
5. Made fresh flowers a non-negotiable, weekly budget line item. Daisies and tulips from Sobeys are the bestest. And, I’ve seriously come to adore the inevitable checkout conversations that typically begin with something along the lines of: “Who’s day are you making so special with all of these!?!”
6. Rather than an annual ritual, took up the practice of writing more regular love-letters to yours truly. Me, myself, and I are in a much healthier, solid, and better place with each other because of it.  
7. Belted out Justin Bieber’s “Love Yourself” LIKE. A. BOSS. at a Karaoke bar in Madrid.
8. Tended to my first online trolls, which was shocking, hurtful, reaffirming, and invigorating all at once. It’s just what happens when you shine your light – a welcome invitation for some and a forceful repellant for others. P.S. I WILL CONTINUE TO USE UPPER CASE LETTERS HOWEVER AND WHENEVER IT SUITS ME.
9. Embarked on a sacred pilgrimage to Glastonbury, England and experienced all of the mystical, healing, divine feminine goodness of the Chalice Well. It’s been nearly 9 months and I’m still integrating, embodying, processing…
10. Declared to the world that it's my soul-level preference to be deeply loved rather than widely liked. In the process, I found my place in my tribe and it feels like home. 
11. Went on a precious and harrowing journey with my grandmother. Had the deep, heart-bending privilege of walking alongside her as she vulnerably recounted the experience of losing my grandfather – her cherished life partner and soul mate of 65 years – in 2015. There were lots of raw and tender moments. We wrote it all down and her submission is going to be published in an anthology later this year.  
12. Relentlessly reckoned with my capacity for reverence, compassion, and ability to hold space. Un-friended, un-followed, and unattached with wild abandon. Cut a ton of cords in countless ways that hurt so good.   
13. Adopted permission-based communication with a vengeance. “Are you open to some feedback?” and “Would you be willing to hear another perspective?” are my new favourite questions. 
14. Spent nearly a week locked away in a private villa in Spain with five of the most queenly women on the planet. We circled in sisterhood, strategized around our respective empires, and solved all kinds of world problems.
15. Had my Akashic Records opened for the first time in this life. As it turns out, I may be kind of a big deal as a result of some pretty meaningful contributions to the suffragette movement.
16. Witnessed all kinds of courageous, clever, and conscious badassery from my 15-year old son. Proudly watched him pull off an epic drag performance to Lady Gaga’s “Born this Way,” in front of a few hundred kids, parents, and teachers at his high school. Listened to a stirring slam poetry piece he penned and performed about the heaviness and darkness that can accompany the reality of living our deepest truths in the world. Happily supplied entirely unhealthy snacks for the sign-making party he hosted for his teenage buddies the night before the Women’s March.
17. Called full-out BS on “the hustle” and “the grind” and made pleasure a prominent priority in every area of my life.
18. Leaned completely into the truly blessed reality of my Canadian-ness. I grieved the loss of Gord Downie far harder than I could’ve ever expected, wholly embraced a human Prime Minister who is infinitely imperfect like the rest of us, and reluctantly had my very first bite of poutine.   
19. Luminosity. Collective effervescence in all of its glorious, glossy goodness. The women, the wisdom, the wine. All that it was. I still can’t even.   
20. Was a passenger on the most epic mini road-trip in upper-state New York with two of the coolest people in the universe that totally re-ignited my love of Pat Benatar and Skid Row.
21. Cooked tofu for the first time, which was a little traumatic for this carnivorous diva. Ty’s vegetarianism has been a welcome “growth opportunity” for our family that has inspired an awakening of the culinary creator in me. I seriously had no idea I could do so much with eggplants, almonds, and avocados. 
22. Fully realized that it doesn’t matter who I be or what I achieve, I’m always going to be too much or not enough for someone somewhere. Too loud, too proud, too shy, too hard, too soft, too glam, too drab, too cozy, too careless, too mediocre, too over-the-top. So I focussed on staying in my lane and driving through this year with pulsing hope, unrelenting compassion, and unapologetic audacity. It was the best ride yet.  

BONUS: Thanks to Jorja (AKA the 6 year old, gender-bending, rock 'n rolling superhero that currently lives in our house), I had the opportunity to listen to Queen's, "We Will Rock You," approximately 273592 times. So, Team Spectacular (our humble family title) for the win - we truly ARE the champions - at least when it comes to Spotify.  

How to know who deserves your energy, affection & attention

When they actively search out and create opportunities to make you feel safe, seen, supported, and held. 

YOU’VE FOUND YOUR TRIBE.

When you have zero reluctance to reach out in the throes of a morning meltdown, a midday breakthrough, or a midnight epiphany.

YOU'VE FOUND YOUR TRIBE. 

When their presence in your life feels like a gift. 

YOU’VE FOUND YOUR TRIBE.

When your wishes, worries, cares, and concerns are received in warm and deep confidence, sealed in an airtight and waterproof vault.

YOU'VE FOUND YOUR TRIBE.

When your humanity is honoured and witnessed in a space free of assumptions or judgements.

YOU’VE FOUND YOUR TRIBE.

When they're willing to gently nudge you out of those dark and ugly places we all go sometimes with unrelenting kindness, curiosity, and compassion. 

YOU’VE FOUND YOUR TRIBE.

When they won’t stop sending you love-drenched notes of encouragement to stand taller, fuller, and freer.

YOU'VE FOUND YOUR TRIBE.

When they magically appear on your doorstep with wine, soup, and chocolate in the moments that feel messy, muddy, and tough. 

YOU’VE FOUND YOUR TRIBE. 

When you know with unquestionable certainty that you’re a priority, rather than merely an option.

YOU’VE FOUND YOUR TRIBE.

Keep them close, love them hard, and show up fiercely. 

When your blazing and bright heart is met with cutting indifference.

NOT YOUR TRIBE.

When you allow the softness of your feelings to land and they're echoed back with loud and hollow disregard. 

NOT YOUR TRIBE.

If you have to work to convince them of your value and intrinsic worthiness.

NOT YOUR TRIBE. 

When criticism quickly and easily arrives in the places where only celebration should live, bloom, and flourish.

NOT YOUR TRIBE. 

When they choose to have conversations about you rather than with you. 

NOT YOUR TRIBE.

When they make you the mirror for their insecurities or smallness.  

NOT YOUR TRIBE. 

When goodness and generosity are answered with stark and thoughtless silence.  

NOT YOUR TRIBE. 

When vulnerability and tenderness are greeted with cold insincerity.

NOT YOUR TRIBE.

When you speak your truth and it's received with doubt or disdain.

NOT YOUR TRIBE.

When your unshakeable authenticity, genuine intentions or rock solid integrity are called into question.

NOT YOUR TRIBE.

When your light starts feeling dimmed, dulled, or extinguished.

NOT YOUR TRIBE. NOT YOUR TRIBE. NOT YOUR TRIBE. 

Notice fully, send heaps of grace, and then promptly move on. 

Why We Need To Stop Romancing the Grind

As the sun starts to set earlier and the evenings take on that telling chill of autumn, I’ve been doing my best to make the most of these precious last few weeks of our waning summer – nightly nature walks, beach days with my babies, backyard bonfires, picnic work sessions, and patio wine dates with girlfriends. 

Yet in this deliberate attempt to bid a fond farewell to the long and leisurely sun-kissed days with gratitude, it’s been really difficult to disregard the frenzy of fall that’s been descending all around me over the past month.

Many of my lady loves who were so easefully and gleefully drinking prosecco in their flowing, flowery dresses at the end of June have transformed into wide-eyed raving lunatics with the onset of school supply scrambling and the mad rush to register the babes for swimming, skating, and soccer.    

Through it all, I can’t help but think we should be going about this differently. And by “this,” I don’t only mean the change of seasons or the transition into another school year, but our lives in general.

I’ve said this before, but so many of us are on auto-pilot these days – programmed to be perpetually pushed forward by pressure and other people’s priorities, while very rarely giving ourselves the space and permission to be properly pulled and more gently guided by pleasure.

And in the meantime, we’ve also somehow acquired this wholly destructive and wildly unhealthy tendency to romance the grind, becoming willing slaves to some hollow sense of satisfaction that seemingly derives from crossing off all kinds of endless items on our infinite to-do lists.  

We’ve become mavens of, and martyrs to, the dangerous myth of productivity – the more we can do, acquire, and achieve on any given day, the better human beings we believe we are. And so then we measure our worthiness and assess our love-ability via homemade cupcakes baked at midnight, volunteer hours logged, emails answered, thank you notes sent, projects piloted, and online courses completed. 

Yes, these are all important, worthwhile, and enjoyable activities, but when we start to make our value contingent on our outputs and routinely trade in our wellbeing for superhuman levels of accomplishment, there’s a big problem (if you’ve ever grabbed a fistful of almonds and your fourth coffee at 3:00 pm as your first meal of the day, you know what I’m talking about).

HUSTLING ISN’T A GOOD THING & BUSY IS NOT A BADGE OF HONOR

At least a couple times a week I hear some version of the following from the women in my life. Almost without fail, a girlfriend, student, or client will say something along the lines of:

“Things are sooooo crazy right now! I’ve got a million things on the go and I only had like four hours of sleep last night.” And almost always these sentiments are expressed with an undertone of pride, as though exhaustion is an accolade and being “busy” is a badge of honor.

Moreover, nearly every single day I see some social media post from a mama or girlboss idealizing “The Hustle,” and I can’t help but inwardly shudder. 

There are essentially two definitions of hustle: to hurry or to swindle, neither of which being particularly desirable or admirable ways of operating in the world. So knowing that, it’s pretty safe to say that your children, customers, friends, and loved ones would likely wholeheartedly prefer that you take your time with them in most cases and/or also abstain from deliberately pulling some game on them.  

And from a business perspective or task completion standpoint, “haste makes waste” is not just a tired cliché, but rather an enduring truth. While I rail against perfectionism at most turns, I’m no longer a fan of the idea of “done is better than good.” Anything worth doing is worth doing well and with care. If it’s not, you should seriously reconsider why you’re doing it at all.  

The outcome of any effort emerging from a place of energy, enjoyment, and genuine excitement is dramatically different from anything forged from the forces of fear, obligation, and overwhelm. As Eckhart Tolle writes in A New Earth, “Whenever there is enthusiasm, there is a creative empowerment that goes far beyond what a mere person is capable of.“ 

So rather than glorifying “the grind” and “the hustle,” it’s more important that we devote ourselves to creating the optimal conditions for enthusiasm to thrive. As Mark Nepo puts it, “Enthusiasm is not a mood that can be willed or forced. Rather, it is a ripple that follows the stone. It can only be felt after we immerse ourselves in life.” 

When we prioritize self-care, artistic pursuits, nourishing experiences, and rejuvenating rituals, enthusiasm more naturally emerges and we organically evolve into exponentially better mothers, lovers, leaders, and entrepreneurs.

Everyone around us reaps the tremendous benefits when we make peace, pleasure, and play non-negotiable in our lives. And while this may come as a surprise, the activities you "indulge" in your downtime often translate into improved and highly-leveraged results in business. For example:

• Making the time to read fiction or poetry makes us more imaginative and engaging writers when it’s time to pen a marketing campaign, sales copy or a blog post.

• A massage or a float takes the edge off stress, which leads to sharper focus, increased patience, and a sense of calm.

• A vigorous walk releases all kinds of good endorphins enhancing our capacity for problem solving, innovation, and ingenuity.

• Vacation time and weekend getaways remove us from daily routines, subsequently offering up fresh and new perspectives on our relationships, circumstances, projects, and priorities.

Ironically, all of those things that you currently "don't have time for" are actually where you should be directing a huge chunk of your hours and efforts. 

FOCUSING ON “TO BE,” RATHER THAN “TO DO”  

In business, success is always more about how we serve rather than what we sell. In life and love, how we show up is arguably more important than how often we show up. So rather than creating an arbitrary list of all of the things you want to accomplish, consider instead taking the time to reflect on the aim, intentions, and mindset you want to bring to your work and relationships this week:  

Ease-infused expansion vs. ego-fueled endurance.

Purposeful presence in lieu of anxious attention. 

Thoughtful elegance over knee-jerk urgency.

Creative liberation as opposed to compression-packed creation.

However, if you still feel compelled to make a to-do list, please put one of these three things near the top of your the list:

1) get rid of that book you're entirely not enjoying, yet continue to pick up night after night after night in the quest for that short-lived, empty rush of completion. Painful page-turning is not a good use of your time. 

2) buy yourself some flowers instead of wishing someone else adored or appreciated you enough to do so. You are so WORTH IT. 

3) cancel every coffee, lunch, engagement, and appointment that is not critical or doesn't totally light you up. It's really the wiser and kinder way to move forward. 

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The doors for the fall sessions of Rise by Design are now open!