Relentless Self-Care: A New Perspective on High Maintenance

Some women are more than a little skeptical when I first reveal my take on the fundamentals of personal leadership.

I’ve been met with some pretty strange looks and awkward pauses in conversation when I say that blessing counting, green smoothies, regular facials, and more sexy time are among my most effective success and leadership strategies.

And,I’m so not kidding.

Like food, sunlight, and meaningful human connection, unyielding self-care should be non-negotiable.  However, we're often so wrapped up in the busyness of day-to-day living that we fail miserably at taking proper care of even our most basic needs.

As many of us find it difficult to get in adequate rest, make nutritious choices, and keep our bodies vital and strong, most of us definitely aren’t making time for powerful practices like gratitude and meditation, spending time in nature, or pursuing creative passions.

That's not a good thing. As Paula Reeves says, “When we neglect what matters most to us, that then becomes the matter with us.”

LOVING YOURSELF INTO LEADERSHIP

Stepping into leadership and the brightest possibilities for your life, relationships, and career requires that you honour, nourish, and nurture yourself on a very consistent and regular basis - not only for your own benefit, but for the benefit of everyone around you. 

There's a very good reason why we are told to put on our own oxygen mask first - so that we can be of greater service to others.

Self-care empowers us to be more available and generous with our teams, loved ones and clients, while also modeling to them how we want to be treated. When we commit to valuing and respecting ourselves, others inevitably value and respect us more too.

In my women’s leadership program, as well as some of my private client work, I actually require and insist on a commitment to daily self-care practices.

In some cases, I’ve encountered some initial push back, accompanied by some stunned questions such as, “What the hell does a gratitude journal have to do with my marketing plan?” 

Well, everything actually. If you’re not grateful for the business and clients you already have, it’s going to be a whole lot more difficult to get new ones.

CREATE + Commit to A Self-Care RegimEn

If you’re like me, if it’s not on the calendar, it just doesn’t happen. And since self-care is something we tend to put low on our priority list, it’s pretty rare that the soul-stirring, faith-finding, and body-loving activities get a prominent and permanent place on our daily schedules. Yet, having a structured and solid self-care plan is absolutely essential to your physical, spiritual and mental wellbeing.

BUT...in order to reap the transformative results this can have in your life, your plan must go far beyond making it to the gym three times a week, getting the standard 8 hours of shut-eye, and staying properly hydrated.

The order of business here is not to merely enhance physical health, but rather to generate joy, cultivate creativity, experience genuine contentment, and enrich every facet of your life. 

A Sweet and Simple Plan:

Make a list of 30 self-care activities that are not only essential for your health and wellness, but also include those that light you up, and maybe even make you swoon a little with longing. These should range in time, commitment, and variety. From a five-minute meditation to an entire day of pampering; an ice-cream sundae or tea with your grandmother.  

Schedule in one activity EVERY SINGLE DAY for the month and then actually do it.

Yes, really.

IDEAS + INSPIRATION:

Luxurious: spa day // week-long retreat in the mountains

Simple: reading fiction // a bouquet of flowers for your desk

Restorative: yoga over lunch // a candle lit bath

Invigorating: run by the river // a rock concert

Inspiring: a lecture at your local university // a class (ahem, the doors for Rise by Design are currently open! :)

Creative: evening at the bookstore // a painting workshop

Affirming: girl’s night out // family movie night

Exciting: tango lessons // a workshop in tantric teachings

Essential: preparing a gorgeous, nutritious meal // a love letter to yourself

WHY SELF-CARE IS NOT SELFISH

I know much of this might feel or sound indulgent right now, but it’s really just your resistance to the re-frame that you need to firmly plant yourself at the top of your priority list. 

Know THIS to be true with every ounce of your beautiful being: Self-care is absolutely the furthest thing from selfish.

Trust me when I tell you that your friends, family, colleagues, and clients will actually LOVE you for it, as they’ll be the ones reaping the benefits of a more peaceful, passionate and present you.

If you’re already rocking an impressive self-care regimen, I’d love to hear all about it! How do you take care of you?

Dealing with the mean girl in your head.

I have a few Important questions.

Have you ever found yourself hesitating or not speaking up at work because you fear you won’t be taken seriously or maybe even criticized?

Are you sometimes scared to death that one of these days a colleague is going to stand up in a meeting and shout, “I knew it! You really are incompetent!”

Do you resist connecting more deeply with people by sharing your story and owning your truth?

Is there a creative pursuit or career change that you’ve been longing to explore, but there’s a voice inside your head telling you that you don’t have what it takes or that people will laugh at you?

The Voice of No Reason

What you’re hearing is the voice of your inner critic. It's that persistent, pesky and irrational chatter of self-doubt that keeps brilliant ideas unshared, dreams unrealized, businesses un-started, talents unused, and important questions unasked.

It's also the conniving culprit behind those unintentional, but often really unkind, thoughts aimed at others who have had the courage to take the leap, go for the promotion, give the speech, push the envelope, or write the book we always wanted to write.

It’s that voice that says, “If you don’t try, you can’t fail. You don’t have what it takes to pull it off anyway.” And the same one who sometimes whispers, "Who does she think she is?"  

The Confidence Crisis

All women struggle with self-doubt in one way or another, although it shows up differently for each of us. For some women, it's most vocal around appearance or body image. For others, it speaks loudly in the professional context, rearing its head as “impostor syndrome.” Many women hear it piercingly around perceived inadequacies as a parent or partner.

This pervasive self-doubt rarely has anything to do with reality, actual ability or accomplishments. Yet, it plagues all of us, including many of the successful, high-achieving women we admire as being exceptionally self-confident.

As it turns out, this confidence deficiency is predominantly a female issue. According to authors Russ Harris and Stephen Hayes, the issue isn’t merely an annoyance, but instead a “particular crisis for women.”

While men are walking around saying “I’m awesome,” women are repeatedly saying, “I’m not good enough.” In their book, The Confidence Gap, the authors argue that this prevalence of self-doubt helps to explain why women continue to under-earn compared to men and why there remains a deficit of women leaders in so many organizations.

Does Any of this Sound Familiar?

The following list offers nine possibilities of how your inner critic may be showing up in your life, along with examples of things she might say.

Articulates a harsh or cruel judgment you would NEVER say to a colleague, friend or loved one: “You are so stupid! I honestly can’t believe that actually came out of your mouth.”

Echoes the voice of a negative, unsupportive or toxic person from your past or present — authority figure, boss, partner, teacher, parent or sibling: “Art? That’s an interesting hobby to have, but there’s no way you’ll ever make a living doing that.”

Makes definitive pronouncements, rather than presenting reasonable alternatives: “Are you serious? That idea will never fly in a million years.”

Aims to hit you where it will hurt the most: “A better mother would’ve done that differently.” Or, “Nobody will ever take you seriously as a writer.”

Attempts to diminish or discount your qualifications, credentials or experiences: “They probably wouldn’t even consider you for that position…maybe after you finish that degree or at least take a few more classes.”

Exhibits an anxious, repetitive and/or urgent tone: “Don’t just leave that message sitting there! You need to email her back right now or she’s going to think you’re a useless slacker.”

Questions your emotions, intellect or judgment, often at the same time: “What were you thinking agreeing to present at this conference? Pull yourself together! All of the other speakers are so calm, collected and confident.”

Hones in on physical attributes: “Are you seriously going to wear that dress without Spanx? And while you’re at it, you should likely wear long sleeves.”

Lashes out at the success of others: “Who does she think she is?”

Quieting the Critic

The encouraging news is that it’s reasonably simple to begin working with your inner critic as you heighten your awareness of its presence. While this nagging and unhelpful voice will never be completely silenced, it can be managed and muted, and the negative impacts in your life can be lessened.

The most important step is learning to recognize what your inner critic sounds like and  consciously acknowledging irrational self-doubt for what it truly is.

Once we are able to differentiate and diffuse the voice of our inner critic, we take away its power and can reclaim our own. In doing so, we set ourselves free to achieve our biggest goals, live and lead with more joy, and make the unique contributions in the world we are each meant to make.

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THE FALL SESSIONS OF RISE BY DESIGN ARE NOW OPEN FOR REGISTRATION!

The One Simple Question Successful Women Leaders Ask Themselves

A couple of months ago, I was in a full-day session with a client developing a promotional strategy for an exciting new initiative she was working on.

We’d been at it for a couple of hours and things were going exceptionally well. Totally in flow and elated with the ideas we were jamming on, we knew we were on to something big and really quite special. However, we also knew that what we were planning was going to require that she stretch into her courage and step into her leadership shoes in a significant way.  

All of a sudden, a look of complete terror washed over her face and she burst into tears - unstoppable, face-destroying, mascara-laden, huge crocodile tears. 

“I can’t DO this,” sobbed one of the smartest, savviest, and most successful women I happen to know. “I just can’t put myself out there like THAT.”  

Frantically pacing the room, vigorously shaking her head and flailing her arms in all directions, she actually stomped her foot at one point and said, “No way. Totally NOT F-ING HAPPENING. It’s just too much.”

After about 10 minutes, the storm subsided and she began to calm down. I firmly put my hands on both of her shoulders, looked deeply into her eyes and lovingly, but pointedly, posed this question: “Really, what is the worst that could happen if you do this?”

“Ultimately,” I said, “even if the best possible scenario doesn’t materialize, the worst possible outcome is that you end up exactly where you are now, only with infinitely more insight and wisdom than you started out with. Either way you look at it, you only stand to gain.”

WHAT MAKES LEADERSHIP VALUABLE

As I say so often and like I said to my client that day, stepping into greater leadership is not easy and it can feel really, really scary. And precisely because it is hard and scary, it’s also very rare.

Presenting new ideas, launching a business, going after a promotion, speaking to a crowd of strangers, asking for a raise, sharing our art, challenging the status quo, resisting the urge to settle – these are all gorgeous examples of leadership in action.

However, they’re also often stomach-turning, hair-raising, and heart-pounding experiences that can make you feel like you’re walking down the street completely naked in the middle of winter. In a nutshell: very uncomfortable.

When we make the decision to play bigger in our lives, careers, and businesses, the universe summons us to shift into our faith and fortitude, alongside our visibility and vulnerability. At the same time, we’re forced to accept that the likelihood of failure, criticism, rejection, and even ridicule become much, much greater.

For most of us, that can all seem pretty damn terrifying and not particularly desirable.

Some of us will determine that the risk is worth the reward, and some of us won’t. Interestingly, both kinds of people are equally important in the leadership equation.

As Seth Godin so beautifully sums up in Tribes, “Leadership is scarce because few people are willing to go through the discomfort required to lead. This scarcity makes leadership valuable. If everyone tries to lead all the time, not much happens. It’s discomfort that creates the leverage that makes leadership worthwhile.”

I’d be lying if I said that there’s a surefire way to make those feelings of fear, doubt or even full-on nausea go away. There isn’t, and you should likely run far away from anyone who attempts to tell you differently. Because the fact is, you don’t really want them to go away.

As Godin points out, “If you’re not uncomfortable in your work as a leader, it’s almost certain that you’re not reaching your potential as a leader.”

WHY FEAR IS A TEACHER + RESISTANCE IS A GUIDE

Here’s the harrowing, but heartfelt truth: your deepest fear is often your soul’s highest calling for your greatest opportunity to lead. Your resistance and discomfort are often the best indicators that you’re doing exactly what you need to be doing.

Leadership is the art of learning to breathe through that fear and forging ahead anyway. It’s about the willingness to live our lives out loud and bring our biggest, most daring aspirations and ideas into the light. Leadership is about leaning into the knowing that opportunity rewards the bold and luck always bends for the brave. 

In the wise words of Neil Gaiman, “The moment that you feel, just possibly, you are walking down the street naked, exposing too much of your heart and your mind, and what exists on the inside, showing too much of yourself...That is the moment, you might be starting to get it right.”

 Always ask yourself, what is the worst that could happen?

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Teaching People How to Treat You: Why Boundaries are a Beautiful Thing

Sometimes things can feel really,really hard.

It‘s not easy to say no to all of the people who are endlessly asking for your time. There are so many worthy causes in need of support, exciting projects that stir your interest, and intriguing coffee invitations with people just wanting to connect.   

It’s uncomfortable to stand up and excuse yourself from conversations where women are disparaging other women. Because as the saying goes, “If they do it with you, they’ll definitely do it to you.”

It can be unsettling to leave texts unanswered, emails unopened, and instant messages unreturned – even for just a few short hours. You know only too well how YOU feel when you see the “read” notification and there’s radio static on the other end.

It’s painful to let go of relationships, even when you full-heartedly & unquestionably have the certainty that they/it no longer nourish, serve, or strengthen you. Whether it’s the friend who takes more than she gives, the colleague who threw you under the bus, or the client who never appreciated the extra mile – goodbye, farewell, and “unfriend” always hurt.

It can feel downright excruciating to start charging what you’re worth. I get it. Your throat closes, your skin prickles, and your heart quickens at the mere thought of increasing your rates, asking for a raise, or declining those requests to “pick your brain.”

And yes, it can feel unbearable to stand your ground, speak your truth, and stay the course.

But we need to find a way to do it. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

LIMITS Are LIBERATING

In the absence of healthy limits, we become resentful, depleted, dark-hearted people. 

When we consistently deny our dreams and desires in service of the needs of others, we deprive the world of our most meaningful contributions.

When our deepest values, precious time, and physical wellness are not fiercely protected, we descend into a state of regret, despair, and inauthenticity that feels heavy and unyielding. 

When we neglect to soothe and heal our bodies with sufficient rest and renewal, our light dims and our vision blurs. Unconsciously, we start to view the world through the muddied lenses of exhaustion, indifference, or anxiety.

When we fail to honour our own capacities, we stand like a towering lighthouse on a deserted shore, calling in the ships of overwork, overwhelm, disrespect, and disregard.

We broadcast a blaring and blinding signal to the universe, along with the people who live in it, that we just don’t matter all that much. 

Unfailingly, they will respond in kind.

While it may seem counterintuitive, putting limits in place in your life is actually a very loving and liberating act.

When we don’t set and stand by uncomfortable boundaries, our most important needs go unmet. This can lead to frustration and depression, along with a whole host of other chronic and compulsive behaviours, including overeating, addictions, perfectionism, and perpetual people-pleasing. 

Boundaries preserve the sacred white space for planning, playing, creating, dreaming, and doing the things that are most important and fulfilling. 

They unshackle us from obligations and expectations that weigh us down.

Staying firmly planted in our integrity, and out of bitterness and resentment, enables us to show up much more fully in lives of the people we lead, love, and serve. 

We Teach Others How to Treat Us

Boundaries are heartfelt and very honest expressions of our beliefs and choices, our wants and wishes, and our desires and decisions.

Boundaries are the calling cards of respect. Inside and out.

Setting and holding boundaries is the bravest and loveliest thing we can do - for ourselves and for others. Always.

What you believe about yourself and how you treat yourself sets the standard for the response you invite from others. Your worthiness in not contingent on the approval of others.

People learn how to treat you based on what you accept from them.

Building Love-Painted Fences

Good fences don’t only make for fantastic neighbours, but also for phenomenal lovers, friends, family members, colleagues, clients, and bosses.

Here are a few loving, low-key suggestions to guide you in stepping into the process of transforming your relationships with yourself and others:    

// Make time for self-care non-negotiable. Your health, wellness, sanity, and serenity should always be your first priority. 

// Stop answering non-urgent emails, texts, and messages at ungodly hours. Really, just stop. It sets a dangerous and unhealthy precedent in both your work and personal life. 

// Set prices for your services and stand by them. Imagine calling a plumber and saying, “I know you’re busy, but I’d really appreciate it if you’d give me 30 minutes of your free time to help me figure out why my sink is leaking all over my kitchen floor.” When you value what you do, others inevitably will too. 

// Don’t accept invitations out of guilt or obligation. If your enthusiasm and excitement aren’t genuine, declining is the kinder thing to do.

// Change your language and learn how to say no gracefully, and often. Consider apologies, excuses and long-winded explanations no longer required. Try something along these lines instead: “Thank you so much for thinking of me, but I have prior commitments that day.”   

// Give yourself permission to let go of the people who are draining your reserves. Unfriend, unfollow, and unsubscribe with wild abandon.

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Another Journey Around The Sun & A Love Letter

Earlier this week, I very gratefully celebrated another birthday. While I typically give myself a trip to the spa or a designer handbag (um, usually both), this year I opted for something more simple, sacred, and soulful - a love letter.

I've written notes of endearment and encouragement to myself in the past, but it's always felt a little superficial and contrived. So while this practice isn't new to me at all, the process definitely was.

This year, having photos of my younger self nearby kept me more grounded, raw, and real. I kept reminding myself that I was also writing to HER – the doe-eyed, cherub-cheeked little one from whom I couldn’t imagine withholding love, acknowledgement, or affirmation.

As I looked at my little self, I felt ashamed thinking of all the times when those harsh and disparaging words flowed so fast, furious, and easily in the face of mistakes and missteps. Why wasn't I more gentle and more generous?

Of course, I couldn't help but think of my four-year-old daughter nearly every second of the process.

We say the most cruel and destructive things to ourselves that most of us would never utter to another human being, let alone a small child. In so many ways, that seems entirely out of integrity with who we are, or who we're meant to be, as conscious and creative beings.     

It began as a love letter to me, from me. But, my deeper hope and wish is that you'll also receive it as a love letter from me, to you. A passion-infused plea that I hope you might consider to be your permission slip to start speaking to yourself with more kindness, compassion, and love each and every day. 

DEAR JAMI,

Hello, It’s me.

As we’ve just completed another journey around the sun together, I’ve been thinking of you a great deal.

There are a few things I’ve wanted to say for some time, but as I’ve been foraging for the right words, I’ve also been struggling to unearth the courage and conviction to speak these greater truths.    

Even now, there’s unease and my skin is prickling with discomfort. As I start to step into the honesty and give shape to my sentiments, my fragile ego is fiercely fighting for her life.

But, here it goes... 

I know I've been really, really hard on you over the years. In many ways, I’ve always found it much easier to be critical than to be kind. I've offered condescension in times when compassion was the only reasonable response and I fostered fear in the moments when I should've helped you soften into forgiveness.  

As Maya Angelou has said, “When you know better, you do better.” I now know better.

More than anything, I want you to know how much I love that you’ve finally come to realize that your tender heart is not a liability, but rather a mighty force to be reckoned with.

Thank you for seeing that brokenness creates the space for expansion.

Thank you for allowing the fractures and fissures to invite more light in this year. 

I’m incredibly grateful you’ve decided to wholeheartedly embrace your freedom. By decreeing love as your conscious first choice in every situation, you’ve called in more wonder to live alongside your liberation. Your growing respect for the fear that lives within you and in others has deepened your capacity for empathy, understanding, and peace.  

You are brave. You are lovely. You are enough.

I love how you are leaning into your imperfection as a mother and that you’ve come to embrace parenting as the ultimate privilege. Rest assured that your children know beyond doubt that they are safe, treasured, and respected.

Your dedication to deepening the sacredness of your marriage is beautiful. I love that you continue to nurture the shared understanding that your separateness and autonomy are invaluable to your togetherness. Your steadfast commitment to treat each other as friends and as lovers first and foremost only fortifies and enriches your roles as father and mother.

You are cherished. You are loved. You are significant. 

I admire and adore you for actively choosing to shine in all of those moments when you so desperately want to hide. Your willingness to be truly seen will inspire others to do the same. 

I love that you are willing to take on the tough stuff and bump up against adversity as a test of your grace, grit, and gumption. Please continue to breathe life into those daring and daunting dreams that are forever dancing through your head.

You are a warrior. You are a creator. You are a light bearer.

Your wanderlust and insatiable taste for rich, new experiences have served you so very well. I love that you try to find magic in the mundane and that you're always searching for the meaning in every moment.

I love how much you know, but it’s your profound understanding of how much you still need to learn that makes my soul sing. Don’t stop reaching for new heights or exploring those depths yet to be discovered. Your commitment to your continuous unfolding is courageous.   

You are a seeker. You are a teacher. You are a disciple.

What you lack in patience, dear one, you make up for in persistence. And while you may sometimes stumble from your lack of balance, you swim ever-so-gracefully in the sea of loyalty you’ve poured around those whom you hold as precious. 

You are generous. You are intricate. You are devotion.   

Love, Yourself

P.S. I've included one of my favourite pics of you from Mexico. I happen to LOVE this secretly snapped photo, courtesy of your darling little sister, Jana. xoxo

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THE DOORS FOR THE Fall SESSIONS OF RISE BY DESIGN ARE NOW OPEN!

 

A Deep Bow to 2015 (and 6 Things I Know for Sure)

Doing some rear-view mirror gazing this evening and the reflection from the past year is quite something to behold. Magnificent, really.

Taking in the summits and shadows, vistas and valleys, storm clouds and rainbows, I vividly recall the bright and brilliant days, and that one dark night of the soul.

Champagne was drunk, humble pie was eaten, and there were side trips to stop and smell the roses (although not near as many as there should’ve been). It was a fast, smooth sail and a wild, bumpy trip.

Above all, it was an adventure of my own choosing.

More than anything, I’m grateful for every ounce of good fortune that affords me the freedom of that choice. Not a day goes by that I don’t give profound thanks to be a strong, healthy and free Canadian woman.

I spent the year navigating love, loss, trials, triumph, delight and disappointment.There were happy dances, ugly cries, breakthroughs, breakdowns and rounds of high-fives. I enjoyed some deeply meaningful experiences and endured some monumental letdowns. I forged some lasting, lifelong friendships, celebrated some significant milestones, and said some really hard goodbyes.    

But as I sit in the glow of this roaring fire tonight, with the tree lights twinkling and my Chai tea steaming, I’m intensely thankful for every messy, magical minute of it.

The lessons were plenty, the blessings were many, and there are six things that I now know to be categorically true without doubt:

Life can be a graceless dance, but we always get to pick the jam.

We’re all just doing the same clumsy waltz of thriving and surviving. Weaving our way between the moments of our lives – those we passionately live for and others we painfully live through – sometimes we soar and sometimes we stumble, but the music never stops.

As it turns out, we’re the DJ’s of our lives. We write the scores, create the playlists, and decide on the soundtracks. We fly and we falter, and we’re all in charge of finding our own groove.    

Don’t compare your beginning to someone else’s middle.

While Jon Acuff may have said it first, this wisdom was graciously handed down to me from a friend and mentor for whom I have huge heaps of love, respect and admiration (thanks Rachelle!).

Following your passion and embracing your authenticity can be wildly fulfilling, but nobody really tells you that launching and building a new business can be an intimidating, lonely and frustrating experience.

Between the steep learning curve, the uncertainty of cash flow, the discomfort of self-promotion and those few people who aren’t exactly rooting for your success, things can feel more than a little overwhelming and exhausting at times. If you throw in relentless comparison to some peers or gurus along the way, all of a sudden you’re hosting the world’s most epic pity party for one.

Learning to be ok with where we’re at might be the most important lesson we can ever learn. This isn’t just true of business, but in every single area of our lives - including our health, wellness and relationships. Bloom where you’re planted, go a little easier on yourself, and decide to shine with the light that is yours.  

Joy over justice. Always.

Would you rather be right or happy? For many people, these can tend to be one and the same, despite the fact that righteous indignation isn’t sexy on anyone.

I’m the first to admit that there have been times in my life when I’ve exerted too much energy proving points and righting wrongs. I’m glad to say that 2015 was definitely not one of those times, and it was much more beautiful as a result.

Winning whatever war we might happen to be waging hardly ever feels as victorious as we anticipate it will. It’s very rarely worth it and you’ll generally find yourself more hurt, heartbroken or infuriated than you were in the first place.

The high road is always the right road. As Danielle LaPorte has candidly pointed out, sometimes you have to say f-off to your principles as a strict matter of health, happiness and wellbeing.

Generosity is the best response to everything.

Honestly, absolutely everything. If you’re aiming to make joy a final destination in your life, generosity is the fastest and surest way to get there.

There’s simply no way of knowing what’s really going on behind the scenes with people. Make compassion and curiosity your default responses. Assumptions, like expectations, are dangerous and destructive forces.

Reach out. Ask questions. Give people the benefit of the doubt.

By actively choosing generosity over resentment, we stand tall in our integrity, remain in the driver’s seat with our emotions and create the experiences we’d more prefer to have.

Grief can amplify gratitude.

Two weeks ago, a cherished childhood friend abruptly left the world. While it's been a few years since we last saw each other, he played a significant role in my earlier life, and his passing rocked me to my core.

As I poured through the many moving tributes that were offered in his memory, I came across this from one of his thoughtful friends:

“Life is more fragile than we think sometimes and it’s easy to overlook the ‘small’ things that really matter in this brief existence we have here on earth. Let us treat each other in a way that leaves no regrets.”

I found deep comfort in these words and my heart moved aside some of the grief to make room for gratitude.

I also thought of friends and family members who’ve recently been finding their own way through devastating circumstances and the loss of loved ones. Things do NOT always happen for a reason and the best we can do is to be better to each other. 

As Cheryl Stayed has said, “Grief is tremendous, but love is bigger. You are grieving because you loved truly. The beauty in that is greater than the bitterness of death. Allowing this into your consciousness will not keep you from suffering, but it will help you survive the next day.”

If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.

As this African proverb reminds us, the most enduring and worthwhile successes are always the ones that are shared. Birthing a dream requires a team. Asking for help is never a sign of weakness, but rather an indication of enormous strength.

In the absence of a cast of incredibly committed supporting characters, the show won’t go on. Or if it does, it’s never as good as it could’ve been. Sometimes we’ll be center stage, but often our richest contributions are those that are made in our roles as patrons behind the curtain or raving fans in the stands. But as we all know, nothing good ever comes from those loud whisperers in the cheap seats.   

We all just want to be seen, heard, acknowledged and encouraged; we all need support, sisterhood, and shoulders to both stand and cry on. Be brave enough to ask and give often.   

2015 was definitely a show beyond many of my biggest aspirations and boldest wishes. I was blessed to be held, propelled, inspired, ignited, celebrated, supported, and set straight by a list of people too long to name.

To my patient family and rock solid friends; my incredible clients and rock star students; my brilliant teachers and beloved mentors – thank you, thank you, thank you.      

To this year and to all of you, a deep bow.

How I Make Decisions in My Life + Business

Over the last two years, I’ve come up with a very simple five-point, fail-proof checklist that now guides nearly every choice I make in my life and business. So whether it’s contracts, coffee dates, outfits, opportunities, friends, free time, finances or furniture purchases - if the option, experience, path or person I’m considering doesn’t garner at least one checkmark out of five, it’s just not happening.

Honestly, this framework has been a complete and total game-changer for me. Not only has it saved me a ton of time, money and energy, it’s also eliminated a whole pile of uncertainty, resentment, and clutter (both tangible and internal) from every facet of my life.

Yep, it’s THAT good. Really.   

From what I eat to what I wear, to how I serve and choose to earn, to how I react and who I spend time with - my trusty rubric gives me the capacity to make smart and empowered choices that consistently feel really, really good. 

And while I’m quite happy to share it with you, unfortunately, it will most likely be entirely meaningless and completely useless to you. But, here it is anyway:

// Brave

// Lovely

// Rockstar

// Wildly Supported

// Divinely Present

Isn’t it great?!? And yes, I actually do make serious business and life-altering decisions on the benchmark of “rockstar.”

Ok, so perhaps a little more explanation is required.

A Different Perspective On Leadership

As a starting point, my take on leadership is a little different than the traditional paradigms many of us have picked up along our personal and professional paths. I believe that it’s only through the conscious alignment of presence, purpose and passion that we expand our capacity to make more impactful contributions in our lives, our work and the world. And for me, leadership is equal parts how we live and what we give.

Genuine leadership means that we spend more time identifying and leveraging our unique gifts, strengths, skills and talents, and far less time shoring up our weaknesses and perpetually aiming to fix our deficiencies. Importantly, we also extend this practice to our teams, colleagues and loved ones.

In business, it means that what we stand for is far more important than what we sell. And as we create grand plans for our success and security, it means that our core desired feelings are simultaneously the sturdy foundation and the driving force behind everything we do.

My core desired feelings (cdf’s) happen to be brave, lovely, rockstar, wildly supported and divinely present. But these are mine, and mine alone. Yours might be free, calm, nourished, vibrant and playful. Or maybe they’re generous, creative, accomplished, luxurious and stable. However, if you have absolutely no idea what they are or how to even start identifying them, it might be time to do a little soul-searching and desire-digging to help you figure it out.  

Your Feelings are the Heart of Every Matter

When I initially learned about the idea of core desired feelings, I’ll admit I was more than a little skeptical. In the first place, my educational background is political science, governance and change management. Secondly, strength and personality assessments repeatedly pinpoint me as a strategic and analytic thinker with a tendency towards intellectualization and problem-solving. And while I’ve also identified strongly as a creative and spiritual person, new-age woo-woo concepts were definitely NOT my thing. 

Yet, when I read Danielle LaPorte’s The Firestarter Sessions in 2012, something shifted rather swiftly and deeply in me when I came across the following words:

 “Knowing how you actually want to feel is the most potent form of clarity that you can have. Generating those feelings is the most creative thing you can do with your life.”

Somehow this made instant, perfect and potent sense to me. It truly was a light bulb “a-ha” moment. It seemed strangely radical, but also enduringly eloquent and very simple.

According to Danielle, we have the procedures for achievement, attainment and goal setting completely upside down. Typically we first come up with our to-do lists, our bucket lists and our strategic plans that outline all of the stuff and things we want to have, get and experience in life. However, all of these dreams, goals and aspirations are actually being driven by an innate desire to feel a certain way.

It turns out that we’re not really chasing the big house, the big job, the hot bod, the ideal mate, the new business, the next degree, the dreamy vacation – we’re in fact pursuing the FEELINGS that attaining those things will give us. We’re really after security, strength, significance, love, fulfillment, contribution, courage, adventure, ease and relaxation - just to name a few.

The Desire Map

So here’s the million-dollar question you need to ask and answer for yourself: How do you want to feel?

For some, the response comes effortlessly, but for the vast majority of us, this question conjures up some major uncertainty, intimidation, palpable resistance, and even the cynical skepticism I mentioned earlier. Enter in The Desire Map.

The Desire Map is an immersive and experiential program for clarifying how you really want to feel in every area of your life and then using that powerful awareness to guide your actions, goals, and dreams from now on. It encourages us to look at our perceptions around “feelings” and goal setting, while examining how we drive and strive, and see where in our lives we experience freedom and joy — and where we want more of it.

Through the process, you are guided through 5 life areas, to explore your most desired feelings in:

• Lifestyle + Livelihood
• Creativity + Learning
• Body + Wellness
• Relationships + Society
• Essence + Spirituality

The Desire Map taught me how to make better choices by making decisions based on my core desired feelings. And that boils down to living a life that feels good to live. This process has inspired major transformation in my own life and I’ve seen it do the same in the lives of many others. I believe in this material — I know that it works.

Goals with More Soul: A Desire Map Workshop

Whether you are a passionate and perpetual goal-setter or a free-spirited and reluctant planner, living a purpose-driven life requires a deep understanding of what you’re going after, and why you’re going after it.

Habitual and unconscious goal-setting will numb you out and leave you frustrated, unfulfilled and anxious.

Are you ready to discover how to move with greater velocity, conscious clarity, and deep-seated devotion towards your dreams?

Consider joining me on June 25 + 26, 2016 in Saskatoon for Goals With More Soul: A Desire Map Workshop.

In LEVEL ONE of this workshop (JUNE 25) you will:

// Uncover your Core Desired Feelings (CDFs): a new guidance system for empowered decision-making.

// Re-evaluate everything you know about feelings and goal-setting so you can experience less struggle and live with more freedom, ease and intention. Less driving + striving, more thriving.

// Explore the five key areas of your life: Lifestyle + Livelihood, Creativity + Learning, Body + Wellness, Relationships + Society, and Essence + Spirituality, to figure out what’s working, what’s not, what’s missing, and where you need to let go.

// Honour yourself within the sacred space we create together. Working with your Core Desired Feelings is deep, powerful, and life-changing work and requires a sacred container.

// Lighten + expand by releasing old, heavy stories and setting your limiting beliefs on fire (figuratively and maybe even literally!).

// Anchor your life with the declarations you’ve made from your soul and attach them to some every day plans. Poetic to the practical.

// Celebrate all of this rich goodness with a community of like-minded women. We will offer up our own wisdom, relate and learn from each other - like women (and some very cool + enlightened dudes) always do.

In LEVEL TWO of this workshop (JUNE 26) you will:

// Dive deeper into the perceptions of goals and goal-setting, especially in relationship to ambition, external approval and traditional notions of “success”.

// Identify a healthy handful of goals and/or intentions that are purposefully aligned with your Core Desired Feelings, and design a soul-centred, actionable plan to realize the best and brightest version of your life.

// Transform your relationship to pleasing, performing, perfecting and procrastination.

// Create meaningful connection. Give and receive unbridled encouragement. Generate big love.

YOU MAY FEEL THE WAY YOU’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO FEEL. AMAZING.

BUT THAT’S JUST THE BEGINNING…DESIRE MORE? YA,YOU DO.

Unleash Your Inner Marketing Maven:15 Ways to Grow Your Small Business in a Fun and Feel-Good Way

I know so many entrepreneurs and business owners who become uncomfortable, queasy or downright terrified when faced with having to promote themselves or market their businesses. Fear of judgment or rejection can often set off a treadmill of self-doubt and anxiety that ultimately leads to some debilitating mixture of confusion, inertia and overwhelm. And of course, none of this is good for business!

But here’s the thing, there are so many creative, conscious and compelling ways to get your important work out into the world and bring more people through your doors, without ever having to feel like a snake-oil salesman.   

The fundamental key to effective, feel-good marketing is to focus way more on how you serve, rather than on what you sell. Make generosity your mantra, concentrate on generating consistently outstanding customer experiences and direct your most valiant efforts towards producing work that adds tremendous value to others’ lives.

That said, if you want to build a truly successful mini-empire, you’re going to have to bring some heart and hustle to your game and put yourself out there. While the old adage of “good work speaks for itself,” still rings true, you’re running a business in a noisy world where it’s increasingly hard to hear. The trick is to find smart and standout ways to be heard.

While the tactics and strategies you choose are going to depend entirely on your niche and preferences, I’ve put together a random list of 15 ideas that will hopefully get your ingenuity, imagination and innovation flowing:    

1.    Host a free event that is loaded with value, surprises and goodies for your customers, clients and prospects. Make sure to publicize it widely and send out a press release.

2.    Showcase your superstar customers and clients on your website in a way that is genuine and appreciative. Applaud their achievements, include links to their businesses and offer a shout-out to the causes they care most about. Chances are good that they’ll be flattered and share the recognition in their networks. Always make sure to get their blessing in advance!

3.    Sponsor a local sports team, dance troupe or charity event. Being a community builder not only makes for good karma, it also helps grow brand awareness.

4.    Seek out innovative partnerships for cross-promotions. Find collaborators in complimentary niches and industries to co-create events, special offers and interesting customer experiences.

5.    Create a coveted, value-laden freebie on your website in exchange for email addresses. This could be a helpful checklist, how-to guide, a discount coupon or some other special gift. Be sure to follow up with your gift-getters!

6.    Join professional associations, your local Chamber of Commerce and other organizations where you can foster meaningful relationships with other business owners. You’ll get access to new resources, identify new partners and clients, and discover new opportunities on all sorts of fronts!

7.    Create outstanding content wherever and whenever you can in a way that is strategic and thoughtful. Start a blog, make a video, get on Periscope, send out a newsletter, create your own podcast, host a webinar or guest write on other sites.

8.    Find unique group volunteering opportunities for you and your staff as team building experiences. Supporting a local initiative or service organization not only heightens morale while making an important contribution, it positions your business as a caring and valuable community member. 

9.    Build a dynamic and mutually beneficial referral network. Referrals and word of mouth are indisputably the most powerful form of advertising!  Nurture and grow relationships with professionals and other businesses you would gladly refer your customers to, and who in turn, are happy to send referrals in your direction as well.

10. Get some sumptuous swag to give away. Make sure it’s exceptionally useful, wildly creative and/or beautifully designed. Put some serious thought into this and aim to delight!

11. Sign up for the HARO (Help a Reporter Out) and read the listings on a regular basis. Offer your knowledge and know-how to reporters who are constantly searching out experts to interview on virtually every subject under the sun. It’s a win-win – you get publicity and they get a great story!

12. Go for the WOW factor with clients and customers as often as you can. Mail a handwritten note, send some cookies, personally deliver one of your favourite books or forward an article you know they would love. Gratitude and generosity are powerful business builders.

13. Enter industry and business award competitions. Recognition from your peers is a huge credibility booster. Even if you don’t win, you’ve still increased your profile through the publicity associated with competition.

14. Actively seek out speaking and/or teaching opportunities. Volunteer for free gigs at non-profits, post-secondary institutions or community groups. 

15.  Involve your customers and clients in the life of your business on a regular basis. Ask for feedback, testimonials and reviews in a consistent, non-intrusive and kind way. Test out new ideas and ensure that you give them the inside-scoop on upcoming products, services and events. While this keeps you top of mind, it also offers you invaluable insights on a regular basis to continually improve your business. 

I’d love to hear any and all of the other successful + creative ways you market your business - share in the comments below! 

*Photo Credit: Christopher Campbell

Why We Make Ourselves Feel Bad to Feel Better

A couple of months ago, I had the privilege of sitting down one evening to read a collection of pretty amazing feedback I had received following a workshop I facilitated. As I scrolled through the comments and began to absorb the glowing and powerful sentiments that were expressed by the participants, I was simultaneously humbled, honoured and over-the-moon elated.

For a glorious ten minutes, I was smiling from ear-to-ear, completely lit up and filled with an immense satisfaction knowing that I had been of service to others. A deep, contented sigh left my lungs and I was totally overwhelmed with gratitude.

Pretty incredible stuff, right?

And then something shifted. I began to feel uncomfortable and a subtle burning sensation started to rise up in the back of my throat. I felt anxious, unsorted and unnerved all at the same time. 

So in a swift attempt to distract myself from this unpleasantness, I propelled myself into productivity mode and promptly pulled up a rejection letter from my inbox that I’d received in response to a proposal I’d recently submitted. In all honesty, I really hadn’t given it a second thought until that moment because it wasn’t an arrangement that I was particularly keen on entering into in the first place. I actually had to perform an advanced search in my trash to locate it.

I proceeded to read the letter a couple of times through. Then I went back and poured over the original proposal for more than an hour trying to pinpoint what went wrong. After some time, I successfully found a typo, berated myself for my carelessness and then I went to bed where I tossed and turned for a few hours before drifting off into a fitful sleep.

But, I somehow felt much, much better. And I had accomplished this by making myself feel bad.

Um, how messed up is that? And, what actually happened here?

Well, it turns out that I had bumped into a big, bad upper limit problem. 

What’s an upper limit problem?

In his book, The Big Leap, Gay Hendricks explains that each one of us has an internal thermostat setting that determines how much love, success, health, wealth and creativity we will permit ourselves to enjoy. When we exceed our personal temperature setting, we’ll often do something (usually unconsciously) to interrupt or impair this enjoyment or achievement to get us back to that familiar zone where we feel most secure.

While this zone varies widely for everyone, many people actually have a limited tolerance for feeling good. By manufacturing bad thoughts or circumstances, we can quickly downgrade to our comfort set point.

Hendricks calls this the “Upper Limit Problem,” the universal human tendency to self-sabotage when we have exceeded this artificial barrier we place on ourselves. Upper limit problems are the culprits that serve to keep us playing small and prevent us from making the contributions we are meant to make in the world; they are essentially unconscious and sneaky distractions that keep us from doing our most important work.

Just as our thermostats settings vary, so too do the ways that we undercut ourselves.    

For example, remember when you initiated a completely unnecessary argument with your significant other on Sunday evening following a fun, uneventful and restful weekend?  

Probably an upper limit problem.

How about that time you got really sick right before giving an important presentation or immediately following a monumental achievement?

Also likely an upper limit problem.  (Never underestimate the masterful hold that the subconscious mind has over our physical wellness!)

Have you ever read the stories of lottery winners going bankrupt within a very short time of their windfall?

Definitely an upper limit problem.  

And it explains why instead of popping some champagne and celebrating the knowledge that my work had impacted people in some very meaningful ways, I actively went out of my way to diffuse my joy, undermine my accomplishment and feed my ravenous inner critic with a whopping scoop of not good enough.

In essence, I made myself feel bad to feel better; I’d set about hurting my own feelings in order to restore this bogus state of personal equilibrium that I’ve somehow established. All of that love and encouragement from those genuine and generous women was simply more than my internal thermostat could handle in that moment.

Of course I didn’t cognitively recognize that this is what was happening at the time, but I certainly knew it as soon as I woke up the next morning. And given that I’ve read The Big Leap more than a handful of times and I regularly teach on the concept, I felt more than a little embarrassed that I’d let some weird inadequacy complex hinder my happiness, while also managing to quietly dishonour the beautiful intentions of the warm thoughts that were so graciously offered.

The many ways we self-sabotage

Self-sabotage comes in all shapes, styles and sizes. Outside of consuming gallons of ice cream and/or wine, it turns out that there are a number of other insidious ways that we compromise our health, happiness and success on a regular basis. Among the most common upper limit behaviours:

Worrying: Perpetually constructing worse case scenarios and making up irrational stories in our heads.

Deflecting: Brushing off compliments or deliberately interfering with positive energy flows.

Blame and criticism: On the one hand, not taking responsibility for our actions and re-directing fault outside of ourselves. On the other, personal perfectionist tendencies and beating ourselves up over disappointments or mistakes.

Arguments: Starting a fight is a fast and sure way to make yourself unhappy in a hurry.  

Getting sick: In the book, Hendricks points to both migraine headaches and laryngitis as upper limit problems that can be physically manifested. 

Not keeping agreements: Breaking promises we’ve made to ourselves and others.

How to overcome your upper limits

Make a hand-written list of your most common tendencies towards self-sabotage. This simple act of putting pen to paper will significantly heighten your sensitivity to defeating thoughts, along with any destructive actions and patterns, that show up for you on a regular basis.

Once these ideas are engraved on your subconscious radar, you’ll find that you'll organically start implementing minor adjustments to your thoughts and behaviours (often in spite of yourself!) that will have a major impact in the long run.

Knowing that we all live with upper limits is really half the battle in learning how to navigate and bust through them. And, the fringe benefit of this knowledge is often the enhanced capacity to recognize these behaviours in others, empowering you to respond with more compassion and understanding across your personal and professional relationships.  

Unfortunately, while all of this awareness is a beautifully powerful thing, it'll never lend itself to immunity when it comes to self-sabotage; there’s no such thing as a one-time upper-limit clean sweep. Resetting your thermometer is entirely possible, but it's an ongoing maintenance job that lasts a lifetime. 

Truth be told, I almost upper-limited myself right out of sharing this post. 

Curious about other strategies for dealing with upper limit problems? Check out Rise by Design in Saskatoon this fall.  

*Photo Credit Aaron Burden. 

Are You Undermining Yourself with Your Speech Habits?

I recently came across a short but brilliant video that was released this past summer by Pantene (yes, the hair product company) as part of their Shine Strong campaign. If you haven’t seen it, “Sorry - Not Sorry” is a powerful one minute montage that pointedly showcases how often women needlessly, yet continually, apologize in everyday situations. It’s really an interesting and worthwhile watch! 

As I played the video a few times through, I became more and more intrigued and began to consider whether or not there are other ways that we unwittingly employ language as a means to soften our communication, mitigate opportunities for conflict and attempt to make ourselves more “likeable.”

Over the next few days, I sought out some additional literature on the subject, while also immersing myself in a mini qualitative research project. I set myself on high alert with very curious ears as I interacted with female friends, clients, and colleagues.

So, What Are We Saying?   

It just so happens that outside of “sorry,” there are countless other verbal tactics we use to try to ensure our thoughts and opinions land a little more gently and inoffensively. These speaking patterns tend to be slight and would generally go unnoticed by most (although after reading this, you’re sure to notice them a whole lot more).  

In her ceiling-busting new book, Playing Big, leadership expert Tara Mohr takes a deep dive into this very topic and neatly classifies undermining speech habits into easily digestible categories. While some of these are summarized below, I highly recommend reading Tara’s insightful book for more fulsome explanations and broader context.

Hedges + Shrinkers

• Just: “I’m just concerned that…”

• Actually: “I actually have a question…” 

• Kind of: “I kind of think we should consider this…” 

• Almost: “I almost wonder if that is the right way to go…”

Hedges and shrinkers are often used to proactively diffuse any perceived aggression or abrasiveness, as well as to ease our discomfort in presenting a new idea or making a bold suggestion. As food for thought, Tara poses this question: “Can you picture any leader you admire saying to her team, ‘I kind of think we should…?’ ”

Apologies

• Sorry, but: “Sorry to interrupt, but…”

• Just a minute: “If I could take just a minute of your time…”

• A little bit: “If I could tell you a little bit about my project…"

Of course, the caveat remains that there will always be times when an apology is indeed the only appropriate response, along with many situations that will demand a more delicate approach. However, for many people, apologizing is a deeply ingrained, unconscious, and reflexive habit. It’s really a matter of learning to save “sorry” for mistakes and hurt feelings, rather than for taking up space or asking valid questions.  

Qualifiers + Disclaimers

• “I’m no expert, but…” 

• “I could be wrong, but…”

• “I’m just thinking off the top of my head…” 

• “Does that make sense?” 

• “Do you know what I mean?"

Many of us have been socialized and conditioned to be humble. In the same way we find it difficult to proudly share our accomplishments, some of us also find it tough to truly own our unique insights, ingenuity, and creativity in a public forum. Downplaying our qualifications and vocally questioning ourselves somehow makes sharing feel safer.

Statements Pretending to Be Questions

According to Tara, we often couch our statements in questions because we are actively trying to avoid conflict, visibility and claiming power. For example, “What about increasing the marketing budget?” vs. “I really think we need to increase the marketing budget.”

The problem is that when you’re constantly asking questions, as opposed to confidently asserting your recommendations and suggestions, you are unintentionally positioning yourself as someone who doesn’t contribute in a meaningful or memorable way. And as a result, you’re unlikely to get any credit for the ideas you’re “asking” about in the long run.

The Unintended Side Effects of Being Likeable

Via my social experiment - the sheer amount of apologies and qualifiers I encountered, along with some healthy doses of subtle self-deprecation, were fascinating (from myself included!). Yet, what many of us don’t realize is that by apologizing unnecessarily, hiding our ideas behind questions and diluting our opinions in order to play nice with others, we may be doing more harm than good – particularly in a professional context. 

Paradoxically, while we are consciously seeking to be warm, polite, conciliatory, and collaborative, we are often unconsciously diminishing our credibility, hindering opportunities for advancement and compromising our authenticity. As author Paulo Coelho has cautioned, “Never try to please everyone; if you do, you will be respected by no one.” In our efforts to be amicable, we can convey uncertainty, tentativeness and self-doubt to our listeners - none of which are coveted leadership traits.

That said, friendliness and likeability don’t need to be sacrificed in order to project more confidence and competence. Exuding more warmth through verbal and nonverbal communication, while simultaneously minimizing unhelpful speech patterns, can go a long way in terms of achieving a finer balance. Conveying warmth is really just a simple matter of being genuine, being generous and being human.

In the timeless words of Dr. Maya Angelou, “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

Do you have any undermining speech habits? Please share them and your other thoughts in the comments below!

Stop Getting in Your Own Way

1) Stop Shrinking

As Marianne Williamson tells us in A Return to Love: “Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you… as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

As women, we really need to start lovingly calling ourselves out more and fiercely step into our brilliance and big ideas. Much like Williamson says, “We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?”  

2) Stop Telling Your Big Dreams to Small-Minded People

Really, just stop. We can all thank Steve Harvey for the interview he did with Oprah when he offered this pointed reminder that a lot of people simply won’t understand, or just don’t deserve to hear, your boldest and most beautiful aspirations.

You likely already know exactly who these people are, and you may even love a few of them dearly, but do yourself a favor and stop putting yourself in a position where you have to listen to their negative, deflating and defeating responses.

Constantly defending and justifying your dreams and desires is not only exhausting, but also counterproductive and unhealthy. Take the time to actively seek out like-minded people who will acknowledge, affirm and celebrate your audacious goals.

3) Stop Settling

Janis Joplin said it best in her very last interview: “You are what you settle for.”

Whether it’s toxic people, the status quo, the dead-end job or an unhealthy lifestyle, it’s simply a fact that people often choose the familiar over the unknown – even when the familiar is really, really bad.  And, while it’s hard to admit, many of us find a certain solace in shifting accountability for any adverse circumstances outside of ourselves.  

Pervasive self-doubt or an unwillingness to take ownership of our stake in the game serves to keep so many women royally stuck. Playing bigger in the world requires that you recognize it is indeed better to be alone than poorly accompanied and that your past does not need to be the primary predictor of your future.     

4) Stop Saying Yes

Women, more so than men, routinely say yes to tasks, commitments and people that are entirely incongruent with their passions and priorities. In repeatedly saying yes to others, you are constantly screaming no to yourself. All too often, as Brené Brown puts it, “we stand outside of our story and hustle for our worthiness by constantly performing, perfecting, pleasing, and proving.”

 Mastering the art of persistently and politely declining “busy work” and soul-sucking activities (and individuals!) isn’t easy, but it’s the most liberating thing you’ll ever do. By making a habit of answering only to what calls you deeply, you’ll empower yourself to spend more time as a “human being,” rather than a “human doing.”

5) Stop Waiting Until You’re Ready

 In my leadership development work, I regularly encounter women who tell me that they will “start” – launch their business, go for the promotion, share their creative work - once they take one more course, get one more credential or make one more connection in their industry.  While women point to their lack of experience or expertise for inaction, in reality so many of us are either buying into the myth that we need to be “more” to be worthy or we are just comfortably shackled to mediocrity.

 As Steven Pressfield writes in the War of Art, “We fear discovering that we are more than we think we are…We fear that we actually possess the talent that our still, small voice tells us. That we actually have the guts, the perseverance, the capacity. We fear that we truly can steer our ship, plant our flag, reach our Promised Land. We fear this because, if it’s true, then we become estranged from all we know.”

We need to consciously recognize that procrastination and perfectionism are usually nothing more than the by-products of fear and resistance – your ego’s artful ways of protecting you from the vulnerability that accompanies visibility.  Get cozy with discomfort and prepare to feel unsure, unqualified and unprepared at times, but meet yourself where you’re at and just get going. 

7 Essential Practices of Brilliant Women

Women who create extraordinary lives, businesses and organizations unquestionably possess an elevated command of personal leadership.

 Ask a thriving woman who has achieved any amount of personal and professional success and she will tell you without hesitation that it was an inside job that got her there. Leadership is not a position – it’s a constant, conscious and very often, courageous decision.  

Contemplating a bold move, feeling stuck or simply wanting to step into a more luminous version of your current self? Consider some of the following practices, along with a few of the brilliant women who will inspire you to become dedicated to them.

Commit to a Reality Reset

Brilliant women consistently choose to see life as a playground of wisdom, wonder and wealth of opportunities.

Making the decision to view the world through a lens of compassion rather than comparison, of joy rather than judgment, transforms your lived experience exponentially.

 When you walk through your days actively seeking chances to create good, express gratitude and celebrate others, the universe unfailingly reciprocates your efforts in abundance via relationships, resources and divine downloads of inspiration.

Get inspired by: Gabrielle Bernstein & Marianne Williamson

Release your Regret Demons

Brilliant women heed the sage words of Henry David Thoreau: “Never look back unless you are planning to go that way.”

We’ve all missed the boat, been looked over, fallen short, not shown up, and said the worst possible thing at the worst possible time.

Acknowledge the value of your past by honoring the lessons you needed to learn and leave the rest behind. Your unrelenting presence in the present is truly the greatest gift you can give to your future.

Get inspired by: Sera Beak & Danielle LaPorte

Aspire with Heart and Fire

Brilliant women are ignited into action by purpose and passion more than ambition and recognition.

Further, they endeavor to establish “goals with soul,” alongside a healthy relationship with expectations.  As Danielle LaPorte explains in The Desire Map, “Intentions and goals are tools for liberation. But when we use goal chasing like a hammer, it can beat up on our self-esteem, relationships and creativity.”

When you detach yourself from specific, rigid outcomes and temper fierceness with flexibility, you are far more receptive to fresh ideas and new opportunities.  

Get inspired by: Waris Dirie & Elizabeth Gilbert

Impassioned Self-Care

Brilliant women know that habits define destiny.

Stretching into your widest possibilities entails prioritizing hours in the bedroom over those in the boardroom, indulging in vinyasa more than vino and holding dedicated, regular space for your personal and private relationships.

Significant health risks aside, keeping overwhelm and exhaustion at bay is vital to the renewal of creativity and energy stores.

 Brilliant women swear by the power of exertion-induced endorphins, along with regular fresh air, as an elixir for innovation and problem solving. Simply put: sleep, sweat and connection manifest brilliance far more often and organically than all-nighters and marathon sessions at the computer ever will.

 Get inspired by: Kris Carr & Arianna Huffington  

Dismiss the Critics

Brilliant women understand that what other people think of them is really none of their business.

When you start to play a bigger game in the world, those unfortunate sufferers of tall poppy syndrome inevitably begin to emerge in droves.  As Aristotle once said, the only way to avoid criticism is to “say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.”

The paradoxical truth is that brilliant women tend to fail harder, faster and more frequently - simply because they repeatedly step into the arena and “dare greatly,” while the vast majority of people sit idly, but certainly not quietly, on the sidelines.

As your star rises, stand tall and stay classy by remembering this gem from Brené Brown: “Don't try to win over the haters; you are not a jackass whisperer.”

 Get inspired by: Ali Brown & Maysoon Zayid

Share Space with Luminaries

Brilliant women connect boldly and bravely.

Assuming Jim Rhon’s assertion that we are generally the average of the five people we spend the most time with, brilliant women are inclined to surround themselves with other thought leaders, change agents and light workers.

Brilliance tends to be contagious, so harnessing the shared energy and connection of mentorship, masterminds, conferences and workshops is an infinitely wise move.  

Brilliant women also know that it’s always too late to build a relationship when you need it. Routinely cultivating and growing your tribe guarantees a support network to carry you through challenges, as well as to propel you upwards when you set your sights higher.

Get inspired by: Marie Forleo & Chantal Pierrat

Be Shoulders to Stand On

Brilliant women always aim to elevate the women beneath and beside them.

As former U.S. Secretary of State, Madeline Albright, notoriously quipped in a 2006 keynote address, “There is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”

Genuinely brilliant women always spend a substantial portion of their hard-earned influence, prominence and position as currency to promote, educate and inspire the women they lead, serve and support.

Get inspired by: Betty-Ann Heggie & Sheryl Sandberg

Are you a brilliant woman with an essential practice that hasn’t been included? Who are the women inspiring you to step more fully into leadership? I’d love to hear from you at: connect@jamiyoung.com